Category: anger

Hello, faithful readers!

I come to you after a bit of a writing dry spell to share… well, whatever comes out.

As we enter whatever week it is of physical distancing and relative isolation, I can’t help but feel like I’m living in Groundhog day. Without the awesomeness of getting many chances to learn how to fall in love with an adored crush or try our hands at robbing banks. My days have shifted somewhat, but mostly consist of walking or driving aimlessly, reading, zooming and creating when the urge takes me.

One good thing that’s come out of this time is that I’ve started to look at some of my childhood wounds. In light of a relationship that swept me off my feet and left me reeling in January, I started to explore my interpretation of the situation and realized my adult self was inactive. I wasn’t hearing the other persons real reasons for leaving the relationship and instead fell into the core belief I hold that I don’t matter.

I unfortunately played that out again with another person I met. Maybe I didn’t even give myself time to dig out of the initial fall. Because I operate, almost consistently, from a place where I think I don’t matter to the other person, I tend to interpret situations or lulls in affection as them withdrawing. I don’t enjoy the uncertainty. I make assumptions. Sometimes I opt to bow out first. I know that this behaviour doesn’t set up a strong foundation for a relationship and have shame about it.

So this most recent attempt at a connection, I played this out. I wanted to expand the breadth of our dialogue and maybe start to develop something more meaningful. Said person was evasive, dismissive and ultimately distant. I had several moments of assuming (maybe intuitively knowing) that said person wasn’t interested. The first time I attempted to bail they played at being disappointed and I thought “oh, i’m wrong! This person does want to invest, I best hold it together!” However, I was met with the same behaviour and again said my farewell.

This person used that against me. Said they were done. They shouldn’t have to explain themselves, aren’t in to hasty goodbyes and triggered responses. I was hooked. I asked for forgiveness. I got weak and needy. I took it on. Yes, it must be me! I had no reason to leave or feel the way I did! (Despite his consistent behaviour of showing no respect or investment.) I’ve since learned the term for this is gaslighting.

Now, I’m an open minded and forgiving person. I understand people don’t always behave as their best selves. I give the benefit of the doubt and hold people in likely higher esteem than they deserve. I saw glimpses of a lovely and interesting human so I haven’t blocked or fully ditched them.

BUT, I’m mad. More at myself than anything. For being willing to put up with stuff. For not wanting to express how I really feel for fear of my anger or sadness making me look weak. For assuming that because someone treats me badly, I deserve it. I spent the whole time, with many past romantic connections, feeling like if I were better, they would treat me better. Like I needed to earn their genuine affections. And holding out, with long periods of dis-ease, for little snippets of “love.”

Anyways, I have the opportunity and space (nothing but!) to feel these things, to observe them, to heal them and now, to write about them. I look at my experiences and wonder if all the times I wanted to say bye we’re not in fact hasty, triggered responses, but instead wise actions from a place of self worth that is too unfamiliar for me to be certain of. As I ponder this, I remain connected via messenger to this person. We’re not speaking but I wonder even about my willingness to allow the possibility.

Thanks for reading folks. I leave you with a brief morning reflection. I awoke and went to the ocean. I can go to the same spot every day and have a different aspect of the water- it’s colour, it’s surface flux, it’s height along the shore- and be awed yet again. I realized that without the ocean, I could not survive this. I need the overwhelming breadth of it’s power and beauty to shock me into the moment. What is it that you realize you can’t do without now that our options are limited and our experiences constricted?

(I COULD do without asshats though…)

by admin

So… like… there’s a global pandemic…

I’ve written a few potential posts but felt my headspace too negative to put out into the world.  I’m feeling a little lighter today, so I’m going to try again and see if I create something in which I feel comfortable sharing. 

I’ve been through a lot of emotions in the last week and some.  Two weeks maybe?  I’m losing track.  A few days back I opted to distance myself from the news, and that has freed me up enough to process a little of what I am, and likely a lot of you are, experiencing.

Do you remember that day when we all woke up and saw footage of planes flying through buildings in NYC?  Most people remember the exact moment they saw or heard about 9/11.  There was a collective sense of disbelief, horror, grief.  Well, that is what has been going on inside me.  My chest felt tight and sore (no Covid over here!  Just crippling grief and anxiety!) and I felt… sort of… maybe spacey?  Like I couldn’t be in my body because it was too much, and I couldn’t be in my mind because it was either shut off or overwhelmed.  A weird, liminal space filling with confusion and apathy.  And I felt like that for more than a week as I watched or read the news everyday and learned of the death, the rapid spread, the changing world and the leaders choosing economy over lives.  It’s been a baffling time.  An unprecedented time.  A time I was certainly unprepared for.

So, what else can I say really?  Maybe it just must start with recognizing, acknowledging and shedding light on the breadth of what I feel.  Maybe for now that’s all that I can do.  I will say though, the last couple days of being free of the media has renewed me a bit.  I managed to tackle some online training that I’ve been putting off.  I managed to clean my home a bit.  I’ve managed a couple walks, a few more zoom chats, and most importantly, tiny moments of peace. 

I want to make a point of saying that however we’re dealing with this is ok.  That’s one thing I have found for myself during this, compassion.  I’m not judging myself for not doing better.  I’m not giving myself grief for eating sugar, or staying in bed, or not putting on pants for days and days.  Maybe that’s part of the shift that this will bring.  There is no doubt it’s forcing people to re-prioritize.

I care about seeing my family every day.  I care about not going to work and putting them at risk.  I care about getting to the two week mark of total isolation so I can snuggle the heck out of my nephew.  I care about the people who have family that need chemo treatments or who are having babies soon.  I care about the businesses I love that are struggling to adapt to the daily shifts in regulations.  I care for the people everywhere who are scrambling to prioritize the safety of others and their own mental health.  And in the light of all that, and more, who gives a fuck if I ate all the cookie dough? 

Would love to hear how your spending your days, and welcome digital connection more than ever these days, so feel free to message me! 

by admin

Working with anger

So, it’s one of those days.  I wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  I’m going through some grief and the first thoughts to cross my mind are of the slimy wretch who broke my heart and my equilibrium.  I begrudgingly greet the day, stumble into my kitchen to make the strong coffee that is my saving grace, (and currently my sole purpose for getting out of bed.)  I make my coffee, attempt to come back to bed and engage in the things that once brought me joy.  A hot, deliciously strong coffee and a journal.  Space to devote purely to me.  Pen in hand, note book in lap, ready to dish out the shit that’s already clouding my brain.  

I’m holding my coffee, sipping as I write, periodically placing it on the bed beside me.  You probably recognize something significant with this cup of joe, as I’ve mentioned it nearly a hundred times in less than two short paragraphs.  And you’re right to think this way.  Because, here it comes.  My cat lovingly jumps up to snuggle with his usually affectionate owner and head butts the cup with all his might.  Boiling hot coffee splashes out in every direction, with the majority of it ending up settling into the skin of my face and arm. 

I scream a little and then realize, as I rip my sweater off, that it soaked into my sleeve and was continuing to scald my arm.  I spent the rest of my sweet journaling time with a cold cloth dabbing the wounds.  Worst part is, I can’t even get mad because for 6 months the little shit wouldn’t let me touch him.  How can I now, after wooing him with stories and hand feeding, possibly get mad when he wants affection?  I can’t.  I just can’t.

I realize as I write this that this is my thing.  The area I’ve been told by countless counselors that I need to work on.  I justify away my anger before I even feel it.  I believe I shouldn’t be angry.  I don’t deserve to experience that emotion, or maybe I just “shouldn’t” express it.  And you know what they say about internalized anger?  It’s depression, folks.  And that, THAT, I have.

I was listening to a podcast of an interview with Johann Hari (who if you don’t know, I recommend you sift through all of Spotify and find every interview with him ever) and he talked of a young girl getting angry and being told that’s not how young girls behave.  But rather than internalizing that she’s a young girl who “shouldn’t” get angry, she instead internalizes that she is unlovable for having anger.  (Now that I’m thinking about it, it may have been Gabor Mate… who I also recommend downloading every interview with…)

Anyways.  This is it.  Young girl, old woman, 33 year old lady.  We all get the same message.  Anger is unladylike.  Anger is volatile.  Anger is aggressive and violent.  Anger is something we stuff.  We should understand, hold space and soothe anger.  Nurture anger away, not engage it.  Certainly don’t act from it.  I can see why it’s unfair to be angry.  Almost 99% of the time I see anger arise, and have already justified why the other person or circumstance doesn’t actually warrant anger.  And it’s likely true, and maybe even a skill to be able to see clearly, but negating the anger is not a solution.  It’s not the most kind thing I can do for myself.  I can say “this person is just hurting and that’s why they acted this way, so I “shouldn’t” be angry.”  Which may be true, but it is also true that I’m angry.  And if I internalize it, the anger then becomes self hatred for having this visceral emotional response that I’m now judging myself for having because I know why I “SHOULDN’T” feel this way.

Even counselors, amidst my training and my receiving of support, seem split on how to process anger.  Some tell you to go out into the woods; scream, hit trees with sticks, whatever.  Others say that expressing anger with violence, even towards an inanimate object, just reinforces aggression and puts you at risk of slapping someone when angry in a fight.  So how do we do it?  When even health care professionals are split on what “healthy” expressions of anger look like?

I definitely do not have the answer.  I’ve taken to letting out the occasionally angry scream while cruising the highway.  Or beating my hands and arms against the steering wheel so that the energy moves through me.  However, I still mostly stuff it.  Rationalize it away.  Hide it in the confines of my car.  In my most recent counseling session I was guided through an exercise to speak to someone who didn’t give me the opportunity to really discuss the end of our connection.  My counselor pointed out that the part in which I was saying what I was angry about, my voice and conviction were weak.  I can see the other persons side and don’t think my anger is “fair.” 

But you know what?  Who cares?  Who cares if it’s “fair?”  Who cares if it’s “justified?”  Who cares if it’s “ladylike?”  And most importantly, either way, it’s real.  It’s there.  It needs to be honoured and moved through. 

I’d love it if you send me your thoughts or practices for working with anger.  This needs to start coming out somewhere rather than spreading it’s poison all throughout my being.

by admin