The path.

If you travel by foot through my yard and down a short stretch of road, you find yourself at an access point to the many trails in behind the main trail around Westwood lake. I wander them often, sometimes daily.

This morning, as I roamed through the muddy paths in a sprinkle of rain, I was reflecting on choice. At first I wandered the trail in the same loop, unsure if branching out would leave me lost. Slowly, as the spring warmth became more consistent and my energy levels built, I didn’t care so much if I got lost. I knew I could retrace or find a new way. I knew I had and could manage the extra time. I started to take trails I knew were more rigorous and would get my heart rate up. I’d opt for a magical narrow path knowing I would find soft, bright patches of moss. I would follow the sound of water and find myself along the Creekside.

Every time I come to a fork in the path, I pause. I absorb what limited information I have of each option. I don’t think too much about it, and often choose based on intuition. Perhaps my reaction is in relation to my body “I’ve had enough and I know for sure the energy requirements of this direction.” Maybe it’s my whimsical nature that makes the choice. “This looks like somewhere the faeries would lead me, I’m following them!” Sometimes it’s the part of me that doesn’t love routine, that says, “hey, I haven’t been this way yet, where will it lead me?”

The more time I spend with myself, the faster those choices become. The faster the process of weighing the options. The less fear I have about trusting the choice. Part of it is that I developed a comfort with the trails, I found myself in familiar places every time I took the unfamiliar path. I came to trust in my sense of direction. I came to trust that the trails couldn’t leave me so far from home that I wouldn’t be able to find my way. I came to trust my body could carry me long distances. That I could adjust my path to meet my energy and push past my reserves if I needed.

I was relating this to my ability to make choices in my daily life. I have a lot of resistance to choice. I flip flop a lot. I fear making the wrong decision. I fear ruining things, or living in regret. Lot’s of fear, much like my initial approach to the framework of paths. So many options, what will happen if I branch out? What happens if I let this path go for something unpredictable? What if I end up stranded on this new path, depleted and wishing I’d had the sense to stay on the familiar road?

Times in my life when I’ve been strong in my embodiment of myself, I’ve found the same things as I do on my morning walks. A deeper trust. In the strength of my body, in the validity of the feelings that arise, in the wisdom of loud, clear, thoughts. As a result, I’ve managed choice with more grace. I’m in a process of deep self reflection amidst this pandemic. I’ve been blessed to connect with a great support group as I work through things and am fortunate to be continuing on with my counselor via Zoom. I’m feeling more clarity, more ability to choose. Nothing is definitive, everything changes. Maybe my choice IS wrong. Maybe it’s right, but only for the moment. Regardless, I know that I’ll never be so far off my path that I can’t find my way back. I’ll never be lost, not truly. The unfamiliar will always lead me back to the center of my Self.

Valentines Day

A few days late, but I spent a lot of the Valentines weekend in reflection and thought it of value to process in writing! So, even in relationship, Valentines hasn’t been a huge deal for me. I often haven’t dated guys who put weight into things like that, and I’ve often written it off as a Hallmark holiday and another night of the year where it’s just too much to try and scrounge up reservations and pressurized thoughtful gifts.

This year, I was alone. I struggled a bit with the loneliness, which was exasperated by scrolling through countless shout outs to adoring partners. I processed failed relationships and what seems to be countless disappointments. I shed some tears.

However, I also took back some power. I made Galentines dates with my girl friends. I hate a multi course, amazing meal with some power house pals. I indulged in some healthy veggie bowls with another. I also signed up for a yoga teacher module so that I knew I’d be practicing and spending time connecting with these feels that would inevitably come up. I stayed at my half home in Victoria and spent time with the home owner and her sisters, one of which I’m friends with. I left class early to get home and rest. And the biggest thing, and what I assume in a result of all the other things, is I ended a relationship that was causing me dis-ease.

I spent the weekend taking care of myself. Listening to myself. Honouring myself. I’ve done that the whole week before as well. Today too. I’ve been opting for lady connections over men. I’ve been going to support groups and yoga classes. I’ve been removing connections that don’t serve me and fostering those that do. I’ve been creating. I’ve been reading and writing. I’ve been logging my daily moods again. I’ve been scheduling my future full of pursuits of passion. I’m theoretically NAILING the self care thang.

To be honest, though, I’m still not doing great. I’m still feeling sad. Generally unsettled and unwell. A lot of the time even hopeless. I have the fight in me. And I suppose SOME hope. Because I’m doing the things. I’m remembering a time in my life when I was happy and I was going to support groups and yoga regularly, and so I’m trying. I’m trying to force myself to do those things. And even though, so far, I’m not feeling great, I guess somewhere inside me I DO believe that things have the potential of getting better. So I’ll continue to push. I’ll continue to foster the connections with those who are doing the same. I’ll continue to hold on to a time when I was happy and hope I can get there again.

To those who may feel similarly, I hope that you find some reprieve in however it is that you take care of yourself. I hope that you can hold on a bit longer until the sun shines a little more often and castes a little more warmth. With Spring comes a renewal of life, and it’s not that far away. I remind myself of this daily.

Learn to RUN, for the second time.

Many years ago, around when I first began my degree at Vancouver Island University, I joined a running group. I think it was around $10 and met maybe once or twice per week. It went for a while, maybe a whole semester, and the goal was to use a walk/run program to be able to run for around 30 minutes straight.

I participated, enjoyed it, and even kept running for a while afterwards. At the time, I believe I didn’t have my license, and so I spent a lot of time walking or running around Westwood Lake. I was both fortunate and unfortunate that the only thing in walking distance was the lake…

Anyways, at some point, I don’t remember when or why, I stopped. I left it all behind and slowly, over many years that end now, I became almost completely inactive. I don’t know that I would care so much except that I really want to be able to learn. I choose to fill my mornings with reading and writing, I spend a lot of my free time listening to podcasts and practicing French on duolingo. However, I find that I often have a fairly dull mind. I have trouble remembering what I’ve read or reiterating what I do remember in an effective way.

At some point I learned (and it DID stick) that exercise helps with brain function. Your surprised, right!? SO, in January, around the time that I decided I wanted to commit to writing every day and writing the blog your currently reading, I also decided I needed to incorporate some exercise. I looked around at gyms, I looked up an old target toning video I used to use, I found exercises you could do in your desk at work. I tried to figure out what was realistic for me in terms of time, cost and effort but despite my efforts I have yet to find anything that has stuck for more than a few days or weeks.

A while back I did a yin yoga teacher training and met this amazing personal trainer and, get this, run coach. You can see where this is going already, I’m sure, so I’ll leave out everything leading up to the fact that last week I started a learn to run clinic. I’ve since done one group run, one homework run, and am an hour out from meeting a new friend to complete my final homework run before this weeks group meeting. I feel really great when I’m running and the whole day afterwards. Energized, happy, proud.

This blog has been an accountability buddy of sorts. I didn’t feel like writing today, and feel like this post might not really say much at all, but because I told myself I’d do this, I’m doing it. And so I’m hoping that by telling you all, and by putting it into words for myself, that maybe I’ll be able to keep myself accountable to my runs too. I tend to fluctuate between “it’s too hard, how am I going to do it?” and “I feel better now, I don’t have to keep doing it.” So I know moving forward it’s going to be a bit of a struggle, but I’m excited to be doing something to take care of myself. Hopefully I’ll also make my brain stronger in order to bring the wide breadth of knowledge I hold skillfully to others.

Confidence

In the last few weeks I’ve been reflecting a lot on confidence.  Confidence is defined as “a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.”  How wonderful that is, right?  I admire those who shine with it, and I’ve even often been told I appear to have it.  But the reality is, my lack of confidence has impacted my life on the daily for as long as I can remember.

I am one who has the “not good enough” message.  The belief somewhere in my core that no matter what, I’m just not good enough.  I first recognized this in myself when I started to rebel against beauty standards.  I had some version of ‘I’m not pretty enough” contaminating my mind, and so I ditched anything girly or vain and instead opted for sweats and chopped purple hair.  I decided that I wanted to be appreciated for things like how intelligent or interesting I was instead of how thin and beautiful, as I didn’t think I had a chance in that department anyways. 

So, then I developed my repertoire of experience and education.  I explored the unusual and developed a pretty subversive, and I believe, interesting set of lenses through which I viewed the world and its inhabitants.  But when I started to connect with people only through intimacy, I realized that maybe the intelligence and unique-ness I perceived to be valuable, was again not “good enough.”  Of course, this was more a reflection of the people I let into my life, and the connections made through alcohol and dim lights, but I internalized it as a confirmation of not being good enough.

So now I’m not pretty enough, or smart enough, or good enough in any way that I can see.  So, I’m depressed, as you might imagine.  Because sometimes my depression means I drink too much, or I can’t get out of bed, or I make a series of choices that leave me between a rock and a hard place, I’m then perceiving myself to not even be a valuable human.  I figure I can’t function in the world, so I shouldn’t be part of it.  Depression turns to suicidal.

I spent many years here.  Not exclusively, but in and out.  Often in relation to others, not valuing my own perception of myself, or even that of those that love me.  Just taking in the behaviours and comments that affirmed my already failing view of myself.  “I’m just not good enough.”

I’d say I started to heal this somewhere amid my university degree.  I started to explore how I existed in the world and to define my values and choose my actions carefully.  I met people doing amazing things that were both counter to the individualistic, materialistic, consumeristic culture of the west, but also helpful and full of potential.  I started to see positive change and how I could contribute to it.  I left behind mind altering substances and started to heal even more.  I delved into meditation groups and deeper self exploration.  I started to introduce travel and spiritual training in parts of the world that called to me.  I took it one step further, and started to work in mental health and to teach yoga.

And, despite around 400 hours of teacher trainings, I still walk into a yoga class, set up my mat at the front of the room, and think “I’m not good enough.”  Despite 5 years of University and hours of training both through continuing education with the University and with the organization I volunteer with, I was overwhelmed with “not good enough” when I went to meet my first client, so much so that I needed a counseling session with one of my supervisors before walking into a room.  And I’m sick of it.  I’m sick of it always taking up space in my brain.  I’m sick of it standing between me and the things I love.  I’m sick of it tying up my tongue or keeping me in bed.  And so, in the last few weeks, I’ve been really looking for guidance.  I’ve been asking myself in stillness, I’ve been asking my tarot cards and my peers, where will my confidence come from?  How can I develop it?  Cultivate and hold onto it? 

Today, while I was doing my morning journaling, I realized that one tool I have in my belt is looking at the whole picture.  This is something I struggle with.  I really value living in the moment.  In fact, the process of learning to do so is what I attribute to any sense of stillness or peace I’ve acquired in my life.  I pride myself on the moments I can be so engrossed with whatever is happening, I don’t think about anything else.  I believe it helps me be a good listener and to connect deeper with people, which is integral in my personal and professional life.  However, I often get suck in the moment of my feelings too and lose track of the big picture. 

I’m in the process of creating a personal statement for an application to a program I really want in to.  I have to answer a variety of questions including things like what I’d bring to the program and what it is I hope to develop in my time there.  I had to write about any relevant experience and where I hoped that my efforts would bring me.  As I thought about and attempted to articulate my answers, I realized that I have some amazing experience under my belt.  I’ve completed a fairly decent amount of various types of training as well.  I have a university degree, I’ve worked many interesting jobs, I have travelled to places like India, Nepal, Indonesia, and Europe.  I’ve travelled alone and for many months.  I’ve completed trainings in different parts of the world, including staying in Ashrams and Monasteries.  I’ve managed to maintain some great relationships and I’ve developed a closeness with my family that I aspired to most of all.  I continue to grow and expand and learn.  And it’s all despite my internal mental battle.  I need to remember this.

It would benefit me to realize that despite my brain essentially trying to kill me, I’ve continued to push through.  Even though when I’m sad I feel like I’ve never seen light, its important that I attempt to see that despite this, I’ve found light.  I’ve even fought for it.  When I feel like I don’t know anything, I will look to my many certificates that say otherwise.  I have done so much DESPITE MY depression.  That is a fucking miracle.  My confidence lies in REALIZING this.  Not just cognitively, but in the core of my being.  Where that “you’re not good enough” message is, it needs to find its way in there and blow that old voice to pieces.  Because I’m a shiny, wonderful, human with lot’s to learn, but also lot’s to offer.  And I’m sick of acting like, and believing that’s not true.