Category: Perfectionism

The Fear

My friend asked me today why I don’t share when I’m struggling.  I’ve spent a decent amount of today pondering this very thing.  I told myself that my muddied mind and heavy heart wouldn’t be able to effectively communicate anything of value.  He suggested that the reminder that we are human and can rely on the support of others is a powerful message in itself.  I know this to be true.  Most of you would likely argue THAT to be the whole foundation of this blog you sit down with periodically.  It was my intention when I started it, to share openly about mental health in order to destigmatize and open dialogue.  Here I am waiting until the storm passes instead of getting vulnerable.

I think there is wisdom in waiting, especially in this format where a bleeding heart for an unknown audience could be unskillful.  But in the company of others with similar struggles, friends who are likeminded, it doesn’t make so much sense to be guarded.  So, I ask myself, what’s going on?

I think the root of it is fear.  I don’t want people to see my struggle to find my own self worth and realize I’m really not worthy.  I don’t want the people who easily identify and judge struggles within themselves to then hold mine against me.  I struggle to love myself when I can’t dig myself out of my sore spots, I’ve been surrounded by criticism, and witness to so much judgement.  I don’t know how to believe that people can love you even in your weeds.

When I don’t have a relationship with people, it doesn’t matter.  I’ll share anything, I have nothing to lose.  Maybe that’s why it’s easy for me to send these thoughts out into the void.  But when I care.  When I fear the end of a relationship, a loss.  I can’t handle it.  It overwhelms.  It hurts.  

I’m trying to take this awareness and explore what it might be like to share it.  To sit with the person who triggered things within me and speak it.  Honour it.  But when I can’t be consoled.  When I need to work through it on my own regardless.  When I need to sit with the feelings and find a way to transform them for myself.  Is there really value in airing the dirty laundry?  Putting your aching heart forward for people to hold in whatever light they wish?  Is that intimacy?  Is that vulnerability?  Is this how people deepen relationship?  Is there a time when this becomes safe?  Are there people in which to do so IS safe?  People that will hold space and really adore you anyways?

Maybe there’s only one way to find out.

by admin

A jumbled reflection

I’m going to attempt to write despite feeling like a swirling mess.  I want to write about relationships, but I’m not quite ready to share all of what I’m processing to the public.  So while my head is there, I’m going to attempt to put out something else. 

I’m approaching my 8 years of sobriety.  I remember that most years I feel a bit discombobulated despite the fact that I don’t even notice it’s happening, sometimes until the very day I’ve claimed as my sobriety date (though I think it was closer to the beginning of the month than the end but I never intended to stop indefinitely so I didn’t keep track.)  Anyways, it’s a full moon today as well, and whether or not you believe that means anything, I’ve been tracking it for a couple years and it definitely means something for me.  It’s also the month of my sobriety date.  And, to boot, I’m going through some new emotional processing that I haven’t dealt with in a while.  Without the aid of medication (that I’d been on for several years.)

So, I’m attempting to maneuver a busy schedule amidst some strong emotion.  I’ve started yoga teacher training and a living in a hostel for a couple weeks.  I’m also starting orientation for a new job at a treatment center in this time.  Well both are potentially exciting, what I really feel is overwhelm and, possibly even resentment.  I want to be at home in bed with my kitty.  I want to be in the presence of my family and friends.  I want to have space to sleep the day away instead of having to share a room with 6 strangers and move my car at 8am.  I’m not doing things gracefully and have resorted to some old behaviour I don’t love. 

I’m trying to access some self compassion.  I’m trying to focus on the fact that despite the struggle, I’m showing up. I’m trying to remind myself of the things that will help me through it.  I’m trying to focus while in class, let it pull me from my head.  I’m trying to be patient and take it moment by moment.  I’m trying to write everything out so it’s not stuck swirling in my head.  However, I’m still not grounded, I’d estimate at least 70% of the time. 

The training I’m doing is for helping people with trauma and mental health issues so I’m definitely in the right place.  Last night, for our first class, we practiced self empowered yoga, studied client centered therapy, and practiced CBT exercises.  How much more could I ask for really?  However, despite feeling that I’m doing the majority of the “right” things in the “right” place, I’m struggling.

So, I guess the solution might be to accept it.  Roll with it.  Wait for it to shift because it HAS to.  Keep showing up best I can and hope that I can have compassion if I have to let something go.  The “3 A’s” theory has continued to pop up in my life in the last week.  Awareness, acceptance, action.  I’m aware of my state, and I’m trying to move myself out of it. I’m not taking a lot of time to even attempt to accept it.  I listened to a great podcast the other day.  It was about how the solution is to not need a solution.  That if something someone does works for them, we don’t need to fix it because it isn’t “normal” or understandable or comfortable for us.  Most of western psychology operates from the belief that there are undesirable qualities or traits we possess that we need to eradicate.  What if instead we operated from the Buddhist perspective.  That we are all limitless, perfect light and the qualities and traits that lead to suffering are clouds passing over a bright blue, sun filled sky.  If I could believe that I’m whole and that these “struggles” are  merely passing falsities, perhaps I could live in the big picture, access more self compassion, and really believe that these unskillful behaviours don’t make me what I am.  While these topics have been coming up regularly, it’s been me sharing with friends in similar struggles, not me telling it to myself.  Today I’ll practice embodying it and hope that it carries me through a little more light.

by admin

Perfectionism and Taking Flight

I claimed on my ‘about me’ page that I would attempt to send out a new post every Sunday.  I’m now a couple weeks in and I have not sent even one out on a Sunday. I’ll explain here that this is not a reflection of my ability to follow through (although I do struggle with self imposed deadlines) but was in fact due to technological issues.  I am not a technologically savvy person and this has in fact been the most challenging project I’ve engaged with a computer. After many failed attempts leading to me day dreaming of blowing up my laptop, a friend agreed to help me work out some kinks.  This involved my initial writing to be posted and retracted several times and then several posts being added in quick succession to see how they would show up on site. All seems to be working swiftly now, so here we are on a Sunday and I’m feeling the need to follow through and pump something out.

I don’t feel entirely comfortable writing purely because I said I would.  I’m afraid what I will put out to the world will not reflect my ability. I’ll tell you, this whole week I’ve been quite sick too.  Yesterday was the worst day and it was too much to even look at a screen to send quick texts. However, I also feel when something is so important to me, like this is, that I should really try and stick to what I set out to do.  So, on this lazy, snowy, recovery Sunday, I’m sending you a brief check in.

Some years ago, I received a book by shame researcher Brené Brown called the Gifts of Imperfection.  I devoured it quickly and keep it on my shelf for encouragement. There is a passage out of her chapter on perfectionism that relates perfectly to what I’m talking about above.  

    “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to do your best.  Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth.  Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.  It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.” [p.56]

If I waited until I was confident that everything I put onto this page, or out into the world at all, was perfect or even a reflection of my very best, I would never take flight.  I would never have put together this blog, or posted the three posts I’ve already created. My biggest achievement today is journaling about great ideas of things I could write about and deciding that, after reflecting on my state of health, I would instead take a moment to allow myself to be imperfect.  To focus more on the act of writing and creating to post on the timeline I gave myself, instead of holding out until I’m SURE that what I’m posting is worth your while.

An example of imperfection at it’s finest. Came camping with all but the tent poles. I tell you one thing for sure, it had no effect whatsoever on fun levels.

I wish you a wonderful Sunday, and I hope that you find a moment to let down your wall and let yourself be imperfect too.  Our imperfections allow us to connect to one another. To be human, to be able to laugh at ourselves, to have joy. Be playful, mess up, and share your stories with your loves.  Until next week,

Alexis

If you’re interested in reading more of Brené Brown (which I wholeheartedly encourage!) click here.

I’d love to hear about some of your battles with imperfection, feel free to message me!

by admin