Category: Sobriety

The Fear

My friend asked me today why I don’t share when I’m struggling.  I’ve spent a decent amount of today pondering this very thing.  I told myself that my muddied mind and heavy heart wouldn’t be able to effectively communicate anything of value.  He suggested that the reminder that we are human and can rely on the support of others is a powerful message in itself.  I know this to be true.  Most of you would likely argue THAT to be the whole foundation of this blog you sit down with periodically.  It was my intention when I started it, to share openly about mental health in order to destigmatize and open dialogue.  Here I am waiting until the storm passes instead of getting vulnerable.

I think there is wisdom in waiting, especially in this format where a bleeding heart for an unknown audience could be unskillful.  But in the company of others with similar struggles, friends who are likeminded, it doesn’t make so much sense to be guarded.  So, I ask myself, what’s going on?

I think the root of it is fear.  I don’t want people to see my struggle to find my own self worth and realize I’m really not worthy.  I don’t want the people who easily identify and judge struggles within themselves to then hold mine against me.  I struggle to love myself when I can’t dig myself out of my sore spots, I’ve been surrounded by criticism, and witness to so much judgement.  I don’t know how to believe that people can love you even in your weeds.

When I don’t have a relationship with people, it doesn’t matter.  I’ll share anything, I have nothing to lose.  Maybe that’s why it’s easy for me to send these thoughts out into the void.  But when I care.  When I fear the end of a relationship, a loss.  I can’t handle it.  It overwhelms.  It hurts.  

I’m trying to take this awareness and explore what it might be like to share it.  To sit with the person who triggered things within me and speak it.  Honour it.  But when I can’t be consoled.  When I need to work through it on my own regardless.  When I need to sit with the feelings and find a way to transform them for myself.  Is there really value in airing the dirty laundry?  Putting your aching heart forward for people to hold in whatever light they wish?  Is that intimacy?  Is that vulnerability?  Is this how people deepen relationship?  Is there a time when this becomes safe?  Are there people in which to do so IS safe?  People that will hold space and really adore you anyways?

Maybe there’s only one way to find out.

by admin

Spring Clean

I love this time of year, not only for the more persistent sun, the warmer temperatures and the sprinkling of colour that presents itself as the flowers are revitalized.  I also love it for the energy it brings. The feeling that I’ve been inside amidst my piles of books long enough, it’s time to shift, rearrange, toss and reorganize. I am an organizer by nature (though you’d maybe never know it by looking at my house- you’ve heard of organized chaos?)  I get all nerdy excited when i get to play tetris with real life objects. I was stoked to be able to make little sections and alphabetize the little write ups for products at work, like ‘best morning ever’ stoked.

Anyways, at this time of year, I’m normal!  Everybody gets in this mode more naturally. It’s like the sun calls to us to clear out our clutter to let more warm, cascading light fill our spaces.  Our winter woolies get tucked away to make room for flowy, colourful fabrics. We’re more bold, or try to be, with letting go of things we’ve been holding onto like that desk that’s been used for nothing but storage and that chair that’s been serving as a coat rack.  We are lured to the multi-coloured storage bins and closet organizers. We are even encouraged by the city to leave our normally unaccepted items on the side of the road. Ah, Spring cleaning is upon us.

Gretchen Rubin, in The Happiness Project, talks about getting rid of clutter.  Marie Kondo’s The Life-changing Magic of Tidying up became so popular she’s since attained a Netflix series.  Rubin says that a clean space leaves her feeling less bogged down and with more energy to continue on with her other commitments on her path to happiness.  Rubin mentions the lack of decluttering discussed historically (I would speculate that this concept now being explored in depth, was not in need before consumerism became what it is today) but the benefits are undeniable and seemingly uncontested in positive psychology today.  A tool to make for a happier life.

So, where do we start?  If you’re like me, you’re thinking “I’m inspired!  I only want to have 3 pairs of pants in my closet! I mostly wear leggings anyways, this will be easy!”  You go to your closet, you pull out your 20 pairs of pants (I’m exaggerating, books are my issue, not pants) and think ‘well, i can’t get rid of this pair, they make my butt look good…  Not this pair either, this pair MAKES that outfit I wore that one time…’ etc. until you’ve justified every pair in there and walked away defeated.

I’ll be honest, I struggle with this so I don’t have a whole ton of insight to share but I’ve found a few good ones that I’m going to share here and perhaps you can share with me the tricks you’ve found and together we can work to get rid of some of our clutter.

BABY STEPS

I know this to be true.  If I think of all I have to do, i get OVERWHELMED.  When I’m overwhelmed, I am no longer a functioning human being.  I become immobilized so this is the top of the list intentionally.

What does this mean exactly?  Let’s say you are currently looking at your space and thinking I have to dust, vacuum, scrub the floors, do the laundry, take out the trash and recycling, etc.  We all know this list. Instead of getting overwhelmed and laying down (my go to!) just do one thing. Maybe, like me, you don’t mind sweeping. So you do that one thing.  Maybe that one thing gives you energy to do some other thing, or maybe not, but at least you did ONE thing. I’m not going to lie, typing this post up today was my one thing.  Yet to be discovered if it inspires something else or not.

Gretchen Rubin’s one-minute rule

Brilliant lady.  If you can do it in under one minute, just do it.  I can drop my sweater on the chair or I can take one minute to hang it up and have somewhere nice to sit and reflect on how easy it was!  

Pick one thing to toss

Go back to the pant situation.  You’re staring at your twenty pairs of pants thinking you need them all, justifying all the reasons the too tight, too short pants are worth keeping.  Just choose ONE pair to toss. Yes, it’ll be a slow process, but like with the baby steps, you did something. And one of every clothing item is not a terrible dent to have made.

These are just a few ideas, and a few resources to draw from to get you on your way. I’d love to hear your tips and tricks too! Feel free to contact me and share. Enjoy your journey in making space for a new year of new adventures and shifts. It’s not until we let go of the old, that we can make space for the new.

by admin

The key to perspective shifts.

I gotta tell ya, as someone who struggles with falling fairly easily into depressive thinking, I kind of hate those people that say things like, “you just have to change what you think.” The idea of being able to choose how you feel, that the darkness I often feel encompassing me is then of my own doing, is frustrating. In fact, this perspective often leaves me feeling as though there is even more wrong with me because I can’t see the other option in the thick of my wounds. But I do know one thing that helps, and that is Gratitude.

In low points where I’ve felt the ground being pulled out from under me, I’ve reached for the gratitude pad (paper where I write out a gratitude list.) Sometimes I’ve posted 3 things a day on social media for a certain number of days with an announcement of my intention to hold me accountable to take the time each day. Sometimes it starts with simple things and without a lot of feeling behind them. Like a sarcastic “at least I got out of bed” or something, but it gets the ball rolling. Usually by the middle of whatever period I’ve allotted myself, I’m grateful for subtle things like the way the wind moves blades of grass. By the end I’m often grateful for whatever shit thing that got me making this gratitude list in the first place because otherwise I wouldn’t be so grateful! You get the idea.

This Sunday I’m feeling an unbridled sense of gratitude. I was really busy this past week. For fellow moon trackers, it was a dark moon leading to the new moon on April 5th, generally a time I feel internal, introverted and in need of extra rest. However, rather than scheduling accordingly, which I often do, I overloaded myself. Feeling a sense of financial fear as I approach an unexpected trip to NYC, I took on extra shifts. I also started two passion projects recently that I was bringing forward to students for the first time over the weekend. On top of the physical exertion that was already beyond my norm, I also felt a mix of wavering emotions as my preparation made its way to presentation. And, to boot, there were several social engagements that it meant a lot to me to show up for.

As you might imagine, I was feeling tired. Deeply tired. All week. I felt a bit like I was dragging my feet to show up. But I made it through everything and now, early afternoon on Sunday, I get to stop. I’ve had a shower, I’m writing to you (my dear friends) and then I’m resting. The knowledge that tomorrow and Tuesday are interspersed with only a few errands and appointments got me through my final push, and I couldn’t be more grateful with where my efforts this week got me.

I made it. I showed up to almost everything I had intended to. I pushed myself to work at home after work. I took the spare moments to prepare myself and take care of myself to be able to show up in a way that wasn’t just physical but also intentional and meaningful. I maneuvered a wide breadth of emotions without letting any of them engulf me or take me too far off my path. My stubborn Taurus bull kept me focused and strong. I was able to facilitate two things that have been long term goals of mine and feel as though my enthusiasm was felt in my audience as well. I struggled for sure, I felt like I might not quite make it, but I did it and I did it in a way I feel proud of.

Sometimes it’s hard to find gratitude, and other times it’s abundance is overwhelming. In times when it overflows, absorb it. Let yourself feel it. Let your body be ingrained with it. So that maybe, when you struggle to find it, a few simple attempts to fake it, can remind you of the deep well within you and pull you out of the dark and into the wealth of light.

I wish you a restful Sunday. And I hope that you take some moments to find your gratitude.

by admin

What my happiness jar taught me about love.

So, if you’ve read my other posts you somewhat understand that I deal with depression.  One of the many articles, books, blogs, classes, I read or attended suggested the happiness jar project.  I think they encouraged you to find and write about something good every day for a year, but you might also remember that I don’t have the best memory, or follow through, so my 365 days of happiness was more like 100 randomly selected events I thought to write down.  Anyways, I went through it a couple weeks ago and rewrote all the events I deemed a big deal into a little notebook for future reference. (I am also a packrat and keep a ton of memorabilia, I assume my bad memory is bound to only get worse so this is how I intend to remember the wonderful life I’ve had.)

So anyways, I noticed something while I was going through and writing everything down.  And I felt it worth sharing and reflecting on.

The most noteworthy things were not things that were done for me; by myself or others, or gifts that were given to me, or really of any direct benefit to me.

The things that I wrote down most, and the things that brought smiles to my face while I was rewriting, were the things I’d done for other people.  I am a jewelry maker and at Christmas time, though I didn’t have a lot of money, I was blessed to have product that I could donate to baskets for people in the ICU over the holidays.  My friend turned 40 and I wrote out 40 great things about him and put them in a jar for when he felt he needed a boost. I went to visit a friends partner in the hospital as an act of support to them both.  And these acts of love were the kinds of things I felt good enough about to stop and make note of.

This tells me two things about pop culture and the messages we receive on love and loving.

One.  

We don’t have to be perfect to help others.  I always see memes that say things like “you can’t love anyone until you love yourself.”  Love is a verb, an action word. I can show love even when in the depths of despair. I don’t have to heal all my wounds in order to be of service to others.  I can be so down and falling apart and still, if nothing else, help someone to see what NOT to do.

Two.  

While I was in Nepal, I attended a ten day Intro to Tibetan Buddhism course.  The nun who was the primary teacher for the course, and who was also a western european, got up one day and talked about the concept of compassion fatigue and told us this is a concept only of the West.  In the East it’s thought that it’s by sharing that we grow. The more compassion we extend, the more we can feel and see. You may have heard the story of the candle being able to light all the other candles without being extinguished.  This is what we’re talking about here. I’ve worked in some terrible environments in the realm of mental health, and identified as having compassion fatigue. I have told myself I am better staying home, sheltered from potentially draining situations, when in fact getting out, finding it in my heart to be kind,to extend love, might be the very remedy.  It’s not that we’re fatigued from being compassionate, it’s that we’re fatigued from long hours, obligation, expectation. Maybe I shouldn’t speak for all of us, though I’d love you to contribute your thoughts! But I know that I sometimes expected that my efforts made change, or felt only obligation to sit and listen, not a genuine interest in being of service.  Sometimes I was so tired and felt so unheard in the environment I was working that I had too much resentment to unveil the loving support I wished to offer. It’s nothing about being tired of helping, caring, loving. It’s the conditions we apply, implicitly or explicitly, that make it exhausting.

When I wanted to seek out ways to be of service, I found them and they filled me up.  They gave me more reserves, more genuine interest and energy, and more heart to continue being of service.  And it didn’t matter that I may have struggled with self doubt or hatred the day I dropped off the bracelets at the hospital.  It didn’t matter that I couldn’t stand my reflection in the mirror the day that I made my friend a jar of 40 things that are great about them.  It didn’t make a damn difference how I felt about myself when I put love out into the world, and it actually gave me a little more love to give.  

I encourage you to find the place within you that is true.  That is loving, kind, compassionate. Generous, affectionate and warm.  Find that place and offer from it, and take a moment to notice just how much it fills up your cup.


by admin

What being sober for 7 years has shown me about life.

I’d love to say that I’m full of only hope and happiness.  That being sober is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and that I don’t ever wish to drink again.  I wish I could say that things are effortless to handle or that less bad shit happens, but I can’t. The reality is things are different, but not a fluffy cloud of perfection.  When I drank things were sometimes great, things were sometimes awful. Since I’ve been without drink things are sometimes great, things are sometimes awful.  I would fall into bouts of depression, I still do. I would suffer the loss of identity, the consequences of poor choices and the inevitable things like death, injustice and heartbreak.  I still do. However, on this milestone, I did see one big difference.

Some of you are aware from my last post, that I recently lost my baby.  One week later, it occured to me that it was the date of my 7 years in sobriety and the week anniversary of my Franco’s death.  This is always how my milestone hits me. A sort of sudden awareness that it’s the day and a fairly lackluster appreciation for it. Followed still by a habitual period of reflection, that, this year, went something like this.

Numbing and/or self punishment is no longer my first choice.

I know that it would not be unheard of for me to reach for a drink or drug to deal with the emotions of grief and despair.  I even expected myself to pick up a cigarette or eat my weight in chocolate, but I didn’t. I thought about smoking. I thought about going to the store, buying a pack, having a cigarette.  I used to be hit with a wave of emotion I didn’t know how to process, and I’d chain smoke. Just long enough for me to feel sick enough that I couldn’t quite focus on the swirling thoughts or physical pain.  I think there was some level of self punishment built into it. Like I did not deserve to feel sad, but that I should feel ill. That my shame and guilt around the behaviour that led me to the moment of despair meant that I deserved only death.  

My rational thoughts are stronger than my shame based ones.

When Franco died I had a lot of guilt come up, a lot of my shame message “I’m not good enough” filling my head.  I didn’t do enough, I didn’t do the right things, I was a bad mama, a bad person. But the thought of going to the store and buying a pack of cigarettes to punish myself?  That was followed by a series of logical thoughts. Some wise, like that it wouldn’t make myself feel any better and I did the best I could, and so, don’t deserve to suffer.  Some merely practical like it’s a lot of money to spend, I won’t finish the pack, is it really worth going out in the cold? And you know what? Those ones won.

Feeling won’t kill me.

Instead of drinking and drugging and pretending it never happened, instead of smoking and strengthening my shame, instead of eating my feelings, I simply felt.  I cried and wailed. My eyes shed so many tears that they were red, puffy and sore to close. I called my beau many times and spent some time around my family. And, most importantly, I didn’t die.

Life doesn’t stop and I’m not always going to deal gracefully.  And that is OK.

I still unexpectedly lost my baby.  I still reeled in the guilt and self deprecating thoughts.  I still felt so angry a few days later that I thought a child fat and wanted to smack them, for no reason other than I felt so much anger and hate that it radiated through everything around me (the hardest part for me to admit is this.)  

Things like this don’t get easier, but I get through them without numbing. I get through them without having to have someone hold my hair while I’m blacked out throwing up into a toilet. I get through them without having sex with a stranger or making a nest in a planter outside the bar.  It’s still not graceful, but it’s contained, it’s honest, and it’s real. I am merely human, and though I wish that I remained calm and spiritual through every bump in the road, I do not. I experience the full range of human emotion and sometimes REALLY poorly. I still have wounds that are triggered with the right storm of circumstances.  I still struggle to reach out and talk things through. I still sometimes believe people don’t care about me and I’d be better off dead. But things are different. I go through and get through without using. So I don’t run to my meditation cushion and make peace as a first response to grief, that’s okay. So all the things I’ve learned about managing stress didn’t pop up and instantly become my reality, that’s ok.  So I had some crazy thoughts and stayed in the same position crying for so long my hips hurt, that’s ok. As long as I stay open to growth, it’s all truly okay.

Opportunity is everywhere we choose to see it.

In the face of every struggle I now have the opportunity to learn. I can be messy and at the same time learn to reach out to those who are safe.  I can be angry and learn how to keep my thoughts and reactions to myself. I can feel shame and choose to not punish myself further. By not altering myself, I have the opportunity to experience fully and grow, if I want it.

by admin