Category: Confidence

When life happens.

My oh my, I’ve missed two weeks now. Though, I’m going to go ahead and mark a Tuesday post as only a NEAR miss… because, well, self compassion is key.

I ended up at the tail end of a cold, going through a lot of feelings and transitions with the full moon and riding the impacts of my menstrual cycle on the first week so I went ahead and forfeited. This week however, I had every intention to post and ended up out adventuring with the ladies who are currently in the house with me and forgot all about it.

Anyhow, I thought about leaving it until the coming Sunday but decided I wanted to take advantage of a moment of spare time and creative energy. I’m just going to give a little overview of the past week and leave a more thorough reflection for Sunday, but here goes.

Last Saturday, the woman who rents the house I’m staying at year round, and her friend, came down for 10 days. I was, of course, a little nervous about sharing space with relative strangers and wondered about my ability to do so given my emotional and physical state. A couple mornings sharing coffee put that anxiety to rest and we ended up on some pretty amazing adventures together. They invited me out for meals and day trips and I so enjoyed having their company.

I got to see San Pancho, a gorgeous beach between Punta Mita and Sayulita, and Los Arcos by boat. On the same boat trip, we ended up riding alongside various pods of dolphins on and off for an hour or so. Most of the ladies even shared a moment in the sea with a particularly curious specimen.

Today, these fine folk depart for Nanaimo. I currently sit in my room writing while they run some last minute errands and get their packing out of the way. It is a bit bittersweet for me, as I know few people in Puerto Vallarta and I’m not particularly keen on being alone to move through dental work, my own preparation to move forward in my travels, and my processing of the time spent in and around this city. However, I also know that I’ve come up against this feeling time and again as I’ve navigated this 5 months abroad and seemingly every time I’ve been handed exactly what I needed. I felt the same way walking into the time with these ladies and now I’m sad to see them go. I felt the same coming to Puerto Vallarta to begin with, and met some lovely folks, had some fulfilling and amazing experiences, came up against my past in an enlightening way and have been guided to my next steps, or at least plenty of options.

I have some fear, some anxiety, some doubt… But I also have niggles of faith and curiousity that, I’m sure, will carry me through whatever comes up next. Wish me luck, gang, and never hesitate to reach out as I always welcome the connection and am coming to trust their timing.

by admin

Settling in.

I’m still settling into my time in Puerto Vallarta. It’s been a bit challenging and I’ve had moments of wondering whether or not I made the right decision in coming here when I did. This entire trip to Mexico has been a series of greenlights that I’ve taken as an affirmation that I’m meant to be exactly where I am, doing exactly what I’m doing, meeting exactly who I’m meeting. It has been effortless and healing. I have been guided towards all kinds of connections and resources and have found energy and space to grow under the warm sun.

I’ve come up against internal blocks, I suppose. Issues from home haunting me and some discomfort around change as I’ve moved cities or homes. But, ultimately, it has been seamless. Even when I have landed in a decision I was unsure I made wisely, it has been apparent that I’m right where I meant to be.

This move, maybe not. It’s been choppy. I’ve made some poor choices, or at least choices that left me feeling less than awesome, that I perceive to be born from a sense of groundlessness. I’ve experienced some loneliness, some anxiety, and moments of paralyzing self doubt. I miss my Cabo tribe, but more than that, I fear that I won’t find ‘home’ here. It’s beautiful, exciting, full of potential, but also overwhelming. The anonymity of the big city and attempting to integrate will take time. Historically, when I’ve travelled, I’ve had no intention of landing. No desire to build community. Never hunting for classes or volunteer positions to fill my time, because my time has been so fleeting. But, here, I want to create a life for myself, if only temporarily, and it reminds me of landing in Nanaimo all those years ago.

Anyhow, I’ve now been here 2 weeks. A week ago, I reconnected with a friend of a friend and we hit it off really well. It has been encouraging, hopeful and uniquely fulfilling. We’ve become fast friends and have spent hours walking the city streets, trying new restaurants, scouring used bookstores and stopping in for yoga classes. We plan to attend a chocolate making workshop, an acrylic painting class, and perhaps some long overdue Spanish lessons. The nicest part is this new friend is from Victoria, so unlike the other connections I’ve made that are riddled with inherent grief, this one has the potential to carry forward indefinitely!

I’ve also been gifted the opportunity of bumping into those I felt uncomfortable with, which has allowed me to work through my feelings and resolve them. I’ve had moments of thinking of something just to have it show up in front of me. I’ve had the opportunity to practice settling myself amidst the discomfort which, I believe, is going to assist me in making perhaps the most influential decision I will have to make this trip, in a grounded and insightful way.

Maybe I’m still exactly where I’m meant to be simply because it’s where I am. Maybe a little more time here will reveal why I’m being presented with these specific challenges, opportunities and gifts. What I do know is that I’ve met so many amazing people on this trip that have altered the way I see myself and a lot of my relationships. I’ve felt so held and supported that I feel I’ll be able to navigate whatever comes next, even if it hurts.

by admin

Fear or self care?

I just landed back in Cabo San Lucas after a couple weeks fluttering about Puerto Vallarta. My experience there was surreal. I was nervous to go, to leave the comfort of the people and routine that I established over my five and a half weeks in Cabo. I hummed and hawed about making the trip, and spontaneously booked my flight in a moment of consternation, much like I did the initial trip to Mexico. I was concerned about staying with a woman I had little previous interaction with and wondered about my emotional, mental and spiritual stability as I ventured off on my own in a new land. This past couple years have been challenging, both personally and globally. While staying in Cabo for nine days with a friend from home was something I was prepared for, months abroad flying solo was not what I had anticipated.

However, I landed in Puerto Vallarta, the woman met me at the airport and made sure I was grounded, fed and content to lay my head. She was an excellent tour guide that connected me with the recovery community, a beautiful yoga class, great restaurants and second hand shops. She was excited to wander the city streets with me and brought me to quiet beaches and stunning neighbourhoods. The place she invited me to share was gorgeous, with wrought iron fencing, quaint, colourful furniture and a spiral staircase up to a detached master bedroom and rooftop patio. We had coffee every morning before departing on our adventures and even just the visual of our coffee mugs bring me so much joy.

Several days in, we planned for a day trip out of town. As we prepared to leave in the morning, and stopped for giant cups of $3 fresh pressed juice, we reached out to another friend who was traveling with her family. This is a woman who I’ve crossed paths with in various capacities for years and she agreed to meet us for a visit in town. Another friend met us too and our Nanaimo based lady tribe collided, explored, shopped and ate in the streets of Bucerias. This brief exploration encouraged our friend to extend her stay and a few days later she joined us in the apartment.

We had late nights out eating amazing food, put on heels and dresses and explored night markets and fancy seafood restaurants. We roamed the streets taking photos of murals and stopping for Mexican snacks. We sat in church pews and spent an afternoon in reverence in a graveyard. I am still reeling and processing the journey but there are a few things I know for sure.

I felt so comfortable in my skin. I was able to express myself freely. I could make jokes and laughed harder than I had in years, and often. I could explore and process my feelings and thoughts, I could be completely honest, I could offer guidance and insight, and every step was encouraged, respected, and honoured. I felt myself crack in connection in Cabo, but in PV, I blew wide open.

As I stood outside this morning, sipping on coffee and enjoying the last of the pink clouds from the rising sun, I realized how much fear I’ve lived in in my not so distant past. When I was back home, I felt as though I was constantly monitoring and managing myself under the guise of self care. I wouldn’t stray to far from home and my routine as I feared my inner resources weak and limited. I wouldn’t go out in the day if I thought my reserves incapable of both going out with a friend and buckling down to work and I wouldn’t sacrifice a moment of sleep out of fear that I wouldn’t be able to manage my obligations and commitments. I tried to control more than I simply lived in a flow. I didn’t take opportunities because few things felt as important as managing my energy and stress levels.

As I found myself regularly arriving home at eleven at night happily exhausted in PV, I realized my ‘self care’ of recent years has been more about living in fear than anything. Yes, of course, it is important to rest, but I was missing out on life to manage one small aspect of it, the obligations I have to other people. I stayed up until midnight on New Years Eve only one year out of the past nine, thinking it not worth throwing my energy for even a day. This year I stayed out until two watching fireworks and swimming under the stars, and I still experience joy when I think of the feeling of being warmly embraced in the Sea of Cortez as the music from the beach infiltrated my ears and the lights from the boats twinkled over the surface and into my eyes. You know what? I was tired, I didn’t feel great the next day and it made traveling by multiple planes harder than it may have otherwise been. But, it was entirely worth it and I have zero regrets.

During my time in Mexico, I’ve managed to go with the flow, to check in on when I need to rest and what it needs to look like, and to get through my work, all while actually enjoying the beauty and abundance of life. Yes, somedays I feel a bit burnt out. Sometimes its hard for me to lift my feet for the long journey back to my accommodations, sometimes a paragraph seems to take me a lifetime because my brain is too tired to find the words, but mostly, I’m more content, more alive, and entirely satisfied with the overall quality of my life.

I anticipate, at some point, I will need to slow down, integrate and find a new routine. For now, though, I’m going to carry on in the flow of life, doing my best to embrace what is in front of me and to let my heart guide me into the boundless potential. I want to take a second to thank those who are reading and taking a moment to send me their thoughts. Your encouragement to carry on writing has given me the necessary motivation to keep going. These moments to reflect in a meaningful way are exactly what I need amidst the bustle and I don’t know that I would do it without your support. I appreciate you.

by admin

The Fear

My friend asked me today why I don’t share when I’m struggling.  I’ve spent a decent amount of today pondering this very thing.  I told myself that my muddied mind and heavy heart wouldn’t be able to effectively communicate anything of value.  He suggested that the reminder that we are human and can rely on the support of others is a powerful message in itself.  I know this to be true.  Most of you would likely argue THAT to be the whole foundation of this blog you sit down with periodically.  It was my intention when I started it, to share openly about mental health in order to destigmatize and open dialogue.  Here I am waiting until the storm passes instead of getting vulnerable.

I think there is wisdom in waiting, especially in this format where a bleeding heart for an unknown audience could be unskillful.  But in the company of others with similar struggles, friends who are likeminded, it doesn’t make so much sense to be guarded.  So, I ask myself, what’s going on?

I think the root of it is fear.  I don’t want people to see my struggle to find my own self worth and realize I’m really not worthy.  I don’t want the people who easily identify and judge struggles within themselves to then hold mine against me.  I struggle to love myself when I can’t dig myself out of my sore spots, I’ve been surrounded by criticism, and witness to so much judgement.  I don’t know how to believe that people can love you even in your weeds.

When I don’t have a relationship with people, it doesn’t matter.  I’ll share anything, I have nothing to lose.  Maybe that’s why it’s easy for me to send these thoughts out into the void.  But when I care.  When I fear the end of a relationship, a loss.  I can’t handle it.  It overwhelms.  It hurts.  

I’m trying to take this awareness and explore what it might be like to share it.  To sit with the person who triggered things within me and speak it.  Honour it.  But when I can’t be consoled.  When I need to work through it on my own regardless.  When I need to sit with the feelings and find a way to transform them for myself.  Is there really value in airing the dirty laundry?  Putting your aching heart forward for people to hold in whatever light they wish?  Is that intimacy?  Is that vulnerability?  Is this how people deepen relationship?  Is there a time when this becomes safe?  Are there people in which to do so IS safe?  People that will hold space and really adore you anyways?

Maybe there’s only one way to find out.

by admin