I lay on the beach in Todos Santos listening to the powerful waves smashing against the shore. I felt present. Fully present.
I had no towel, the majority of my skin resting against the warm sand. The ocean was loud, all encompassing, thought blocking. The sun was peeping out from behind wispy clouds and a slight wind washed over me keeping me cool enough to stay alert. As I lay there feeling my body breathing, exposed to the elements, I recognized something.
I have heard it a billion times, ya know. The truth that life is only a series of moments strung together. I’ve been studying and practicing Buddhism for years and have gone into silent retreat for significant lengths of time to try to intentionally anchor into each passing moment. I’ve learned to focus my attention on the rise and fall of my chest or belly. I’ve accustomed to tuning into the sensation of air moving in the little patch of skin beneath my nostrils. When I choose to, I can drop into a profound stillness with a single breath.
You might think that means I reside in some state of peace or understanding, but it is not true. I let my anxious mind run rampant. I still get so wrapped in my chosen thought patterns that I can’t see the forest from the trees. I still experience debilitating obsession and deep sadness. But, in that moment, on that beach, I got it.
I understood that choosing to tune into my surroundings, choosing to acknowledge the humbling power of the open expanse of water, and choosing to land in my senses allowed me to find unadulterated joy.
I recognized that all the forward thinking puts pressure on relationships, my self, my work. I realized that my hopes and dreams for the future debilitate my present and hinder my possibilities. I understood that I could choose presence, and ultimately happiness, by simply recognizing that all that is really happening in any given moment is breath moving in and out of this vessel as it settles into its environment. If I let go of where each moment will take me, and instead simply revel in them, I can be. And being is enough.
I feel tearful as I write this. It’s so simple. So profound. And it so easily slips away.
I am painfully aware that it has been a significant length
of time since I last wrote and posted. I’ve
decided to do my best to get a check in of sorts out into the abyss of the
internet so that I may reinvigorate my commitment to write more frequently.
I think I last wrote shortly before departing on a month-long
meditation retreat. I will likely share
a bit about that amongst some other reflections. I’ll start by saying that normally, on
retreat, students are expected to refrain from writing, with the exception of
taking notes during classes. This means
that for the month of retreat, I gave up my morning writing practice. I’ll go on to say that while my intention for
the month was to be in one place going deep into a silent practice, the reality
of the situation was quite different. I
arrived at my chosen destination to discover I was being put up in a shared,
and not so quiet space. I then found out
the teachings I anticipated being able to attend were mostly closed off to the
volunteers. These things, on top of
being in close proximity to someone I had not wrapped my head around being more
than silent with, were enough to propel a change of plans.
I was speaking to my meditation teacher via phone throughout
these discoveries and she helped me decide if I was “mat rolling” (a term I
learned in this process that refers to bailing out of fear or discomfort, rather
than out of wisdom and self care) or if I was, in fact, doing what was best for
me. In the end I decided to stay for the
first 10 day retreat that was being held and then depart.
I let go of the idea of being in silent and deep retreat and,
instead, embraced the connections blossoming amongst the volunteers, resident
monks and lamas. I attended what classes
and sits I could amongst my chores and used the social opportunity to ask
questions. I have been a student who
sits at the front of the class, listens intently to the teacher, and then goes
home. Engaging with the fellow students,
or even the teacher beyond scheduled interviews, was not something I’ve been
very interested in. Until recently. So, you can imagine, with the breadth of
thousands of years of teachings, I have some questions! Being in the company of more dedicated
practitioners with more years of practice was very enlightening.
While finishing my time at the Hermitage, I also planned to leave
Denman Island and travel to a friend’s place on Galiano to finish the month
solo and in silence. My teacher, a very
busy and successful woman, was off teaching in conferences around Hawaii and
the U.S. so she arranged for me to connect with her teacher on the long, little
island. I downloaded a bunch of her past
dharma talks and guided meditations, packed up a bunch of art supplies to work
with a visualization practice, and off I went.
Her teacher, Lama Mark Webber, runs a retreat center on
Galiano called Crystal Mountain. I was
blessed to attend retreat there in the summer, and also a mini weekend retreat
the few days before I’d left for Denman.
Anyhow, I left for Galiano expecting to be on my own with one interview
to ask questions and instead was approved to attend two weeks of the four-and-a-half-month
long retreat he was/is in the middle of teaching. The experience was strong, intellectual,
often scientific information. Mostly two
classes per day and a study group in the afternoon to play with and explore
concepts. Very different than what I was
used to, but I believe what very much I needed.
I finished the month with a short retreat at the Bethleham
Center here in Nanaimo. This was where Lama
Mark approved me receiving audio recordings as the classes continue, so my
morning writing practice continues to suffer.
I often allow myself an hour or two to listen and follow along in the
text. However, with more and more to process,
I’m feeling drawn to finding the time to write as well, and so decided to post
today.
I’ve gone on long enough, so I just want to sum up my experience
and leave further details and images (I went for a lot of hikes, and Galiano is
awe strikingly beautiful) for another day.
While this experience was not at all what I’d prepared for, even fretted
about, it was amazing in a lot of ways.
I felt ready for more knowledge, I was feeling more curious to go deeper
into the philosophy and that was exactly what was offered to me in a variety of
ways. I’d felt lots of pull to Galiano
and Lama Mark in previous retreats throughout the summer and was blessed to end
up there learning in great depth from him.
And perhaps the biggest take away, was I was busy. I didn’t get to slow way down and find deep
stillness which has been characteristic of other retreats. I instead was chopping wood, making food,
walking lots, driving up and down Galiano, speaking some and practicing a
traditional, seated practice very little. Why is this so awesome, you might ask? Because, for the first time, I had a period
to practice building meditation, contemplation and study into my daily life, into
my connections and into my obligations.
I’ve found it so much easier to return home and dedicate space to continuing
on. I’ve experienced great shifts
without having to be in a state that isn’t so accessible outside of a typical
retreat environment. I believe this will
help me immensely moving forward and though I feel ready to delve into a month
of proper retreat sometime soon, I’m also really grateful for the way this
month turned out.
Hello again, forgive my long period of relative inactivity. I’ve been in the midst of a bunch of shifts, changes and travels in the last couple months and writing has yet to be reintegrated as a daily practice. I’ve been focusing my energy on reading more literature from Tibetan Buddhism in preparation for the month of October.
My teacher often refers to a thangka (paintings used for meditation) where a elephant and a monkey are seen walking with a monk up a winding path. The elephant as a representation of the wisdom mind guiding, trotting steadily on, towards liberation. The monkey as a representation of the busy, distraction mind. Fortunately, or unfortunately, both are alive and well inside me at this moment.
You see, today, I head over to Denman island to slip into a month long meditation retreat. I’m aware of the blessing that this is, but I’ve also experienced a world of anxiety over the last few weeks. For a variety of reasons, but the big one being fear of sitting with myself and the emotional states that are likely to arise as I settle in and start to process a recent break up, a falling out with another retreatant, and a reconnection with an old friend, to name a few.
I’ve been approved to bring along my sweet kitty. While I know this is also a blessing, I’ve been experiencing a fair bit of anxiety around this as well. I don’t know how well he’ll travel, I’m concerned that he will resort back to his previous states as a result of being moved from his comfort zone, and have struggled with my decision to bring him and whether or not it was the right one.
These are the big ticket items, but I harbour a slough of other, less warranted anxieties as well. My monkey mind has created a ton of reasons for me to back away from this retreat. But my elephant knows well enough to carry on. To push through, take baby steps, get myself there. My teacher, other dharma students, and a brief weekend retreat on Galiano have encouraged and set me up well to pack up my cat and my scattered mind and drive steadily on.
I will be offline until October 31st at a minimum. I will attempt to connect when I’m home to share some of my experience. Until then!
Hi everyone, again I’m a couple days late. I’ve been going through a difficult transition that I’m not quite ready to share about. I thought about writing a couple times over the last few days, but my emotional capacity to do so is not available.
So I’m writing to tell you that that is where I’m at, and that for the next two Sundays I will be on Denman Island in a silent retreat at the Hermitage Retreat Center. I will be with my beloved teacher, Cheryl Fraser, and while I’m anxious to be sitting with myself at this point in time, I’m doing my best to get there and heed the advice of said teacher that this is the best thing for me.
I’ll let you know one big thing that’s official now, and probably share some insight about the other aspects of my life after contemplation on retreat.
Over the last month I took a trauma informed yoga teacher training in Duncan and fell in love. It was like all the aspects of my education and experience collided and suddenly made sense. So I started to research more education in this vein and found a school in Victoria that offers 300 hour and 800 hour training. I went to meet the owner and took a class, asked my questions, and felt like I was in the right place. I went home and began collecting what I required to apply. I have since applied, been accepted, and have registered for my first module. I officially start in September of 2019.
I wish you all a good couple weeks and I will be in touch in the mid August heat.
A friend of mine is planning a journey to various parts of the world including Bali, India and Nepal. I’ve been sharing my experiences with him and was reflecting fondly on my time near Boudha Stupa in my recent trip to Nepal. I had a rather mundane week that I was fairly down through out, so racking my brain for something to write today ended with my wanting to share a bit of this experience with you all.
So, my trip to Nepal started outside of Kathmandu at Kopan Monastery, which I’ve written about in another blog post. After my 10 days there, I ventured to Pokhara and some surroundings areas, then down to Lumbini and Chitwan National Park and then back up toward Kathmandu venturing out of the main spots to visit places like Begnas Lake and Sarangot.
My first and last week were dedicated to the Kathmandu area, and I tell ya, it was not a pretty site. The main drag was totally catered to tourists and was full of western style restaurants and knick knacks. It was dirty and underwhelming for me and I couldn’t wait to head towards Pokhara, a less busy hub.
However, on the last week, I situated myself a bit out of the chaos of tourist central, Kathmandu. I found a homestay a 10 minute walk from Boudha Stupa and ended up staying there a total of 6 nights. The family I stayed with were quite sweet and while the area was fairly dusty and in need of repairs, likely from residual earthquake damage, the quaint winding roads to the Boudha Stupa made up for it.
Boudha Stupa
A stupa is basically a Buddhist shrine, or holy place. The whole structure was adorned with prayer flags and lined with prayer wheels. Every day people came in and walked clockwise around the structure, some spinning prayer wheels and chanting, “Om Mani Padme Hum,” translated to “the Jewel of the lotus.” In Buddhism there are 3 jewels representing the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha. The Lotus refers to the Dharma, or Buddhist teachings. No matter what time of day or night, the place was crowded with people practicing prostrations and prayer.
The Stupa itself was surrounded with buildings. Some the home of shops, homestays and restaurants.In each rectangle are Buddhist prayer wheels. People would walk the perimeter spinning each wheels and chanting Om Mani Padme Hum.
I loved being so near a space that was actively being used as a place of worship at all times of day. I happened to be in town during a big Hindu festival, Tihar. This festival is celebrated over several days (also known in India as Diwali, I believe, or closely related from what I understood from dialogue with locals and friends in India.) One of the days is a celebration of Goddess Lakshmi and butter lamps and beautiful sand mandalas are put out on the door steps with lamps leading their way into the home lighting and inviting Lakshmi into the home. The beautiful lamps set out at each of the shop doors were beautiful and the space was alive with music and offerings.
Offering of Marigolds in oil.Butter lamps leading the way for Lakshmi.
Lakshmi is a Goddess of wealth/prosperity and they invite her in to bless their family for the coming year. This beautiful image of her created in sand marked one of the shop entrances around the Stupa.
Lakshmi.
This whole piece of Nepal is quite special to me. I left and went back to the same homestay and enjoyed days and nights visiting, wandering around and eating at or around the square. I met an ex monk who made the best soup and proposed to me (for a green card, but still), I lost my phone and miraculously had it returned to me, I met a beautiful Indian couple who told me about Nepal in the old days. I spent time reconnecting with a friend from my first days in the monastery and even ventured back to the monastery to say my farewells. I met a couple other friendly travellers, nursed a cold, and ate many meals with the nice couple I stayed with. I longed to bring home some sort of daily ritual, something that could keep me grounded in my practice and in my connection to others and nature, and while I struggle to find this consistency, this memory remains a fond one full of potential.
In university I had this amazing professor who sent me on a tangent that would later be a degree in Anthropology. Her field study and PHD work was all done in rural Nepal and her stories finally gave me a sense of belonging. I never resonated with the western world, the life focused on individuality and financial abundance. A life where work took priority and community was relatively non-existent. Stuck in a irrelevant loop, as the Metric lyrics go, “buy this car to drive to work, drive to work to pay for this car.” I struggled and rebelled against a life where I was meant to worship money and material possessions and longed for a life with more meaning, more intention, more connection. When I heard of Nepal, people sustaining themselves with farming, strong faith, and undivided community, I was suddenly hopeful and alive. This past fall, I had the honour of packing my bags, and heading to see this beautiful spot for myself.
There’s too much to share for one blog post, but I will say that my study of Nepal, and other poor parts of the world, was not without it’s look into the horrific impacts of tourism and globalization. I witnessed a lot of this in my travels to Nepal, India and Indonesia, but I will leave that for another day and focus here on my time at Kopan Monastery.
The main temple where all of our meditations and talk were held.
Despite having spent a significant part of my time on Vancouver Island (now about 8 years) studying Buddhism with teachers in the Tibetan lineage, I still felt like heading to Kopan, just outside of Kathmandu, to delve into a 10 day intro to Tibetan Buddhism course. I arrived in Kathmandu in the evening of the first day of the course. I hopped into a taxi at the airport and arrived in the hot, congested, madly honking traffic and instantly felt my body sink into the reality of the third world. The taxi drivers flat rate was immediately being debated and the drive down unnecessary streets to reach our destination used as ammunition. The last, dark, windy road up to the monastery’s gate opened up to views of the city lights below and I was in awe.
I arrived late but they fed me, showed me my room, and helped me make a phone call to let all at home know I’d arrived safely. I made it to the evening intro talk and settled into my home for the next 10 days. I woke up to monks chanting, our dorms windows looking over the school for young monks. I loved seeing the children in their robes running with fabric flowing behind them and playing a version of hacky sack with bundled up garbage or a deflated soccer ball on their breaks.
The balcony outside my bedroom. Over to the left out the door was the school for young monks.
I spent the 10 days in a combination of reading, writing, meditating, talking with peers and listening to a variety of dharma talks. The main teacher was a nun who lived in the monastery (one of 3.) There was a monk from the monastery who did a lot of teachings also, and a young, male lay practitioner from Australia. We had access to an amazing bookstore and library with an amazing wealth of information. I grew to love the librarian, and decided to explore the idea of taking refuge through a variety of suggested readings from him and the main teacher, Ani Karen.
We were amongst the monks, but they moved their practices to areas outside of the main gompa to make space for the 100 or more of us that were there from all over the world to learn. We often only heard their chanting from around the grounds, but occasionally we got to see them engage a very lively practice of debate as well. They would often sit in the coffee shop or on the patio during break times and occasionally loaded up several buses to go to other areas to hear different teachers speak. There was also a nunnery a little ways down the hill that we were invited to visit. We got to see them making incense that is sold around the world.
The resident monks engaged in debate, which is an integral part of their learning process.
This experience was different than all the other retreats I’ve been in for a variety of reasons. The most significant being the fact that while silent the majority of the time, there was an allowance for dialogue in the afternoons. We were assigned groups and questions and for the first time really, I got to practice putting into words years of meditation experiences. The most interesting part of that was that I was the only student in my group with a decent amount of study behind me so I got to explore some of the resistance and doubts my peers were experiencing with fresh eyes, as I have since eradicated a number of similar doubts that arose for me in earlier years. I also made several beautiful connections with amazing people that I hope to foster from a distance for the years to come.
The door into the Gompa, or temple.
Through this whole experience, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to deepen my commitment, and find more guidance to delve deeper into this path I’d been loosely following for many years. I decided to take refuge with a monk, was given a spiritual name within the lineage, and have since requested more support from my teacher in Nanaimo. The experience was special for me. To be in such a place, to have discussed my way into a new level of commitment (when normally I discuss my way into a self doubt spiral) and to have such support in my questions and learning was such a blessing. Some of the most resonant answers I received in this endeavor were that I could forever learn and adapt my commitment and that we are encouraged to explore all other forms of education, not that Buddhism as it exists today has the only information of value.
Me being given my lineage name.
I hoped that all this would help me connect to a more regular practice, but alas, the action still needs to come from me. Finding space for it within my routine did not happen until my most recent retreat on Denman Island. However, I am now in a daily routine and am doing my best to build it into my morning time that I spend writing and learning French! And I’m happy to say that so far it’s been fruitful.
The view from on top of one of the buildings. The monastery grounds overlooking Kathmandu.
I decided to write this this week because I am a seeker. I am always learning about new ways of connecting, integrating ritual, learning ways of engaging with the spiritual and this week I ended up in a scenario in which I questioned my involvement with certain practitioners and realized that I really do resonate and have belief in Buddhist practice. I chose to become Buddhist in Nepal, but this week, I am reminded that it’s more than having taken refuge, it’s continuing to practice and contemplate and come to the same conclusion. This is what makes sense to me, even amongst my skepticism and self doubt. And I admit, I have a bit of fear of putting this out into the world. I have negated religion in many ways for many years, but this seems less like a religious pursuit and more an unraveling of years of misunderstanding reality. I will hopefully never close my mind to other ways of seeing the world, but until that stops reinforcing my experience of the practices I’m involved in, I will continue on the Buddhist path.
Please forgive my post being a day late. I was in retreat on Denman Island until yesterday morning and was not quite ready to turn on my phone and computer and jump back into my outward commitments.
I would like to take just a moment to bring awareness to The Hermitage Retreat Center, if it’s not already familiar. This is a beautiful Buddhist space set on a large piece of property on one of the small Islands (Denman) surrounding Vancouver island. You take a small cable ferry from Campbell River and drive a few minutes on the main road to arrive at this divine abode. Throughout the year there are many retreats offered, of varying lengths and topics.
This center was created by beings who wished for other beings to have a safe, quiet, beautiful space to meditate and contemplate. A space to explore and nurture the nature of reality and the human experience. I recently learned that up until a few years ago it was entirely free of charge to attend. Room and board were covered by generous donations and teachings were, and still are, offered freely. Now there is a minimal charge which only just covers the necessary operating costs.
The Temple bell (image from thehermitage.ca) Whenever we are within 5-10 minutes of the start time of a group sit, this is rung to gather us.
I want to share just a little bit about my experience. People hear the word “retreat” and imagine spa days, massage, quietude and mocktails, but the reality is quite different. I don’t often share a lot about my time in retreat because each individual experience is unique and I don’t want my version of what it was to deter anyone from continuing on, or starting on the path. So I will only share a little and allow you to explore The hermitage (link above) and see if there is anything that draws you to visit it yourself.
So, I’ve been practicing for many years now. I was blessed to find my way to Dharma practitioner and Psychologist Dr. Cheryl Fraser. Cheryl is based out of Maple Bay, near Duncan on Vancouver Island. She has been practicing for more than 20 years and has a knack for applying these eastern spiritual practices effectively and efficiently into the Western mind. One of her root teachers, Lama Mark Webber, is of like science mind and resides on Galiano Island. Another amazing source from which I’ve had the pleasure of absorbing teachings.
This retreat was run by Dr. Cheryl and her colleague, Shelane, who is also a long time Dharma Practitioner and psycho-therapist based out of Toronto. We explored some of the motherly, nurturing aspects of our beings and spent our days working with a variety of practices to aid us in calming our minds and realizing our nature that resides beneath the busy-ness of mind.
The lotus is a common symbol used in meditation and has a variety of meanings, including representation of the entirety of the teachings of the Buddha, or awakened being.
I think that is all that I will offer of the teachings and will instead focus on my personal experience. I spent a lot of time sitting on my cushion observing the stories of my mind and the emotions they inflicted; guilt, grief, content, bliss, and on and on. And while not always pleasant, and definitely not always easy, the experience overall has left me inspired, connected, rejuvenated and excited to carry on.
I could go on and on for far more than I am sure most would like to read, so I will share one of my most profound experiences. At one point, with one of our guided explorations, I felt a surge of energy that required physical expression. For this being, one who often has the stories of tiredness and lethargy, this was unique and powerful. I found a spot in an empty clearing and was brought to tears by the necessity to move, to flail and skip and play, like a child with abandon. I came home to spend time with my family for mothers day, and the light and beauty I often see within my nephew was bright and alive like never before.
This was captured in Lumbini, Nepal. The birthplace of the Buddha. Prayer flags are set up with their prayers being carried by the wind to all sentient beings around the world.
I will leave you with the knowing that I continue to go on retreat, I continue to reside in spiritual centers exploring movement and mind and I plan to continue for as long as my being allows. It’s not always easy. Sometimes I weep at the state of the world, the animal or reptilian brain that other sentient beings live almost entirely in, and I experience the aches and pains of purifying. But, the profound, visceral, entirely pure moments of joy, love, bliss (in all it’s forms) continues to lure me into retreat.
Forgive me for a potentially fumble-y expression. My mind is slowly arriving back into the world of words and actions. I hope you feel drawn to explore the Hermitage or other centers. May you be well, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering. And may all beings be free from suffering.
I love this time of year, not only for the more persistent sun, the warmer temperatures and the sprinkling of colour that presents itself as the flowers are revitalized. I also love it for the energy it brings. The feeling that I’ve been inside amidst my piles of books long enough, it’s time to shift, rearrange, toss and reorganize. I am an organizer by nature (though you’d maybe never know it by looking at my house- you’ve heard of organized chaos?) I get all nerdy excited when i get to play tetris with real life objects. I was stoked to be able to make little sections and alphabetize the little write ups for products at work, like ‘best morning ever’ stoked.
Anyways, at this time of year, I’m normal! Everybody gets in this mode more naturally. It’s like the sun calls to us to clear out our clutter to let more warm, cascading light fill our spaces. Our winter woolies get tucked away to make room for flowy, colourful fabrics. We’re more bold, or try to be, with letting go of things we’ve been holding onto like that desk that’s been used for nothing but storage and that chair that’s been serving as a coat rack. We are lured to the multi-coloured storage bins and closet organizers. We are even encouraged by the city to leave our normally unaccepted items on the side of the road. Ah, Spring cleaning is upon us.
Gretchen Rubin, in The Happiness Project, talks about getting rid of clutter. Marie Kondo’s The Life-changing Magic of Tidying up became so popular she’s since attained a Netflix series. Rubin says that a clean space leaves her feeling less bogged down and with more energy to continue on with her other commitments on her path to happiness. Rubin mentions the lack of decluttering discussed historically (I would speculate that this concept now being explored in depth, was not in need before consumerism became what it is today) but the benefits are undeniable and seemingly uncontested in positive psychology today. A tool to make for a happier life.
So, where do we start? If you’re like me, you’re thinking “I’m inspired! I only want to have 3 pairs of pants in my closet! I mostly wear leggings anyways, this will be easy!” You go to your closet, you pull out your 20 pairs of pants (I’m exaggerating, books are my issue, not pants) and think ‘well, i can’t get rid of this pair, they make my butt look good… Not this pair either, this pair MAKES that outfit I wore that one time…’ etc. until you’ve justified every pair in there and walked away defeated.
I’ll be honest, I struggle with this so I don’t have a whole ton of insight to share but I’ve found a few good ones that I’m going to share here and perhaps you can share with me the tricks you’ve found and together we can work to get rid of some of our clutter.
BABY STEPS
I know this to be true. If I think of all I have to do, i get OVERWHELMED. When I’m overwhelmed, I am no longer a functioning human being. I become immobilized so this is the top of the list intentionally.
What does this mean exactly? Let’s say you are currently looking at your space and thinking I have to dust, vacuum, scrub the floors, do the laundry, take out the trash and recycling, etc. We all know this list. Instead of getting overwhelmed and laying down (my go to!) just do one thing. Maybe, like me, you don’t mind sweeping. So you do that one thing. Maybe that one thing gives you energy to do some other thing, or maybe not, but at least you did ONE thing. I’m not going to lie, typing this post up today was my one thing. Yet to be discovered if it inspires something else or not.
Gretchen Rubin’s one-minute rule
Brilliant lady. If you can do it in under one minute, just do it. I can drop my sweater on the chair or I can take one minute to hang it up and have somewhere nice to sit and reflect on how easy it was!
Pick one thing to toss
Go back to the pant situation. You’re staring at your twenty pairs of pants thinking you need them all, justifying all the reasons the too tight, too short pants are worth keeping. Just choose ONE pair to toss. Yes, it’ll be a slow process, but like with the baby steps, you did something. And one of every clothing item is not a terrible dent to have made.
These are just a few ideas, and a few resources to draw from to get you on your way. I’d love to hear your tips and tricks too! Feel free to contact me and share. Enjoy your journey in making space for a new year of new adventures and shifts. It’s not until we let go of the old, that we can make space for the new.
In the last few weeks I’ve continued to come across this threshold where I’m meant to decide between two things that are important to me. Sometimes it’s little things, like if I decide to go home early and get a good night sleep or if I decide to go to some event that will likely fill my cup and sacrifice some sleep. Sometimes it’s been bigger things, like deciding if I move away from my family, particularly my little nephew, in order to be nearer my love to help our relationship. But regardless of the weight of the decision, I’ve found it be very difficult to know how to prioritize.
I’ll start with something personal. I committed to myself, at the beginning of this year when I was searching for sparks in the winter darkness, that I would write every day. I committed to 3 pages in a journal every morning, plus a weekly post on my blog. In the last week especially, I’ve found myself to be very busy. I received extra shifts at work, I’m hosting a fundraiser, I agreed to open a space for the meditation group I’m part of, and my spare time became sparse and my need for rest greater. In my head, I committed to 3 pages of journaling and a blog post, so yesterday when between my cleaning shift and opening the door for meditation, I couldn’t finish 3 pages, even though I did spend a couple hours on my computer working with different ideas for my Sunday post, I felt that I’d let myself down. I tell myself that it’s a slippery slope, I rationalize missing a page of my 3 pages and next thing I know, it’s summer and I haven’t written in months.
Also within the last couple weeks, I distanced myself from someone who was really not showing up for me. Cancelling plans at the last minute, went from checking in every couple days with exclamation points and emoji’s to one word responses, and from being persistent about hanging out to barely fitting a visit in in a few weeks. So, I told myself all those things “don’t prioritize someone who isn’t prioritizing you,” “people show you who they are,” and whatever other hard hitting memes popped into my head. Despite my hopes for a friendship, I distanced myself telling myself that there is no reason for his behaviour other than him just being flaky and disinterested in a friendship, and so I removed myself to protect myself.
And perhaps the hardest contemplation has been the infamous choice that was presented in September when my live in partner accepted a spot in the Masters of FIne Arts program at the University of Calgary, do I stay or do i go. I have a wonderful, nearly 4 year old nephew. My whole family lives on the same property and I love them. We see each other daily, we talk and text, and we have dinners almost weekly. They’re important to me and they’re my friends as much as my family. So when Calgary came into the picture, I was more interested in a long distance relationship than a departure from my hearts home. However, after living apart for 7 months now, I find that I am not embracing the time alone quite as I’d imagined. I pictured myself focusing so much on me that I find my daily sadhana and rebuild connections and all those wonderful things, but the reality is that I’m finding a struggle to maintain work that allows me to travel back and forth often to visit, while also paying enough to be able to afford to do so on top of living expenses and paying off debts. I also found that I devoted a lot of time to people like the person mentioned above, who’s behaviour was feeding my negative self talk and self doubt. So I now wonder if a new adventure, a new city, new work, new people, would in fact be exciting and challenging in a way I desperately need. And so I contemplate departing from my family, missing a lot of the next year of my nephews life, and ultimately taking a great leap into the unknown.
There are many other things of various importance that have shown up. I currently reside in a fairly encompassing state of uncertainty. For whatever reason, I’m reevaluating all of my titles and where I disperse my energy. I am constantly considering whether what I’m doing resonates with me and whether or not I should continue on the path I’m on.
I have been a practitioner of meditation for many years, and will likely always reference reading material, or wise teachers words, or personal reflections from this practice in my writing, and for good reason. I went to a talk yesterday that was focused on the power of breath meditation to help us into reality. In any given moment, while on a cushion in meditation, the only thing that is really happening is your body is residing in a somewhat comfortable position, breathing itself. Everything beyond that, maybe even whether or not you are comfortable, is a creation in your mind.
I know this to be true, I’ve observed it for years. However, when I sit down to contemplate these various uncertainties, I have trouble tuning in and seeing most of these choices are hard simply because I attach a nightmare-ish story to them. I can choose to move or not, I will live in Calgary or not. I can choose to distance myself from this relationship, or I can choose to see their behaviour as only a reflection of them and accept it. That is the reality. The idea that I’ll miss this or lose that is just my fear mind keeping me in limbo. And I could see myself staying in the turmoil of uncertainty and fear as long as I have the opportunity to make the decision unless I find some clarity. Some vision of reality. Some true and unwavering understanding of everything being impermanent. So I suppose my answer of ‘when to do or not do’ is simply to make a choice when you know you are seeing clearly.
So, just for today, I am going to try and stay with my breath filling and leaving my body. My heart pumping blood to my organs and limbs. My subconscious that effortlessly gets me safely from one place to another in a fast moving hunk of metal. And let the rest fall away. Spend some time awake to reality rather than in the nightmares my mind creates, and maybe this will help me find my way.
