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A jumbled reflection

I’m going to attempt to write despite feeling like a swirling mess.  I want to write about relationships, but I’m not quite ready to share all of what I’m processing to the public.  So while my head is there, I’m going to attempt to put out something else. 

I’m approaching my 8 years of sobriety.  I remember that most years I feel a bit discombobulated despite the fact that I don’t even notice it’s happening, sometimes until the very day I’ve claimed as my sobriety date (though I think it was closer to the beginning of the month than the end but I never intended to stop indefinitely so I didn’t keep track.)  Anyways, it’s a full moon today as well, and whether or not you believe that means anything, I’ve been tracking it for a couple years and it definitely means something for me.  It’s also the month of my sobriety date.  And, to boot, I’m going through some new emotional processing that I haven’t dealt with in a while.  Without the aid of medication (that I’d been on for several years.)

So, I’m attempting to maneuver a busy schedule amidst some strong emotion.  I’ve started yoga teacher training and a living in a hostel for a couple weeks.  I’m also starting orientation for a new job at a treatment center in this time.  Well both are potentially exciting, what I really feel is overwhelm and, possibly even resentment.  I want to be at home in bed with my kitty.  I want to be in the presence of my family and friends.  I want to have space to sleep the day away instead of having to share a room with 6 strangers and move my car at 8am.  I’m not doing things gracefully and have resorted to some old behaviour I don’t love. 

I’m trying to access some self compassion.  I’m trying to focus on the fact that despite the struggle, I’m showing up. I’m trying to remind myself of the things that will help me through it.  I’m trying to focus while in class, let it pull me from my head.  I’m trying to be patient and take it moment by moment.  I’m trying to write everything out so it’s not stuck swirling in my head.  However, I’m still not grounded, I’d estimate at least 70% of the time. 

The training I’m doing is for helping people with trauma and mental health issues so I’m definitely in the right place.  Last night, for our first class, we practiced self empowered yoga, studied client centered therapy, and practiced CBT exercises.  How much more could I ask for really?  However, despite feeling that I’m doing the majority of the “right” things in the “right” place, I’m struggling.

So, I guess the solution might be to accept it.  Roll with it.  Wait for it to shift because it HAS to.  Keep showing up best I can and hope that I can have compassion if I have to let something go.  The “3 A’s” theory has continued to pop up in my life in the last week.  Awareness, acceptance, action.  I’m aware of my state, and I’m trying to move myself out of it. I’m not taking a lot of time to even attempt to accept it.  I listened to a great podcast the other day.  It was about how the solution is to not need a solution.  That if something someone does works for them, we don’t need to fix it because it isn’t “normal” or understandable or comfortable for us.  Most of western psychology operates from the belief that there are undesirable qualities or traits we possess that we need to eradicate.  What if instead we operated from the Buddhist perspective.  That we are all limitless, perfect light and the qualities and traits that lead to suffering are clouds passing over a bright blue, sun filled sky.  If I could believe that I’m whole and that these “struggles” are  merely passing falsities, perhaps I could live in the big picture, access more self compassion, and really believe that these unskillful behaviours don’t make me what I am.  While these topics have been coming up regularly, it’s been me sharing with friends in similar struggles, not me telling it to myself.  Today I’ll practice embodying it and hope that it carries me through a little more light.

by admin

The Holiday Post

I want to get a post out before the season has completely passed us by. I love this time of year. I like the lights and the trees indoors. I enjoy the gatherings and the food. I look forward to hunkering down with my family for a couple days to eat, walk and rest. And while I mostly can’t sit through an entire movie, I’m even a suck for Christmas flicks, though 99% of them are cheesy romances that leave me in tears.

This year was particularly special for a few reasons. One was that my nephew is of an age where he’s actively wanting to participate in all the traditional things like gingerbread houses, tree hunting and decorating, even making and wrapping gifts! Another is that I happened upon a lot of time off to enjoy these things with him. My whole family (minus my ma) went to cut down trees at the tree farm. My nephew and I built the most gaudy gingerbread house I’ve ever seen. I got to go shed tears while I watched my nephew sing in his Christmas concert and I had him over and helped him assemble a bracelet for himself and his dad.

Another joy of this year was that I didn’t shop much. I opted to give little. Partly because I had all this time off to do the fun things, because I was not making the money… But also, partly because it’s not really what it’s about and it’s often a stressful addition. I even made one of my moms gifts, something that I love to do, but haven’t had the time for the last few years. (It was a travel case for carrying her paintbrushes to her art classes, if you’re wondering.)

With all this time off, I also managed other things I may not have otherwise. I was energetically able to attend gatherings I likely wouldn’t have prioritized if I were working full time. Not because I don’t like to attend, but because energy management is a real thing for me. Anyways, I made it to the potluck at the place I volunteer and had a lovely meal and meaningful conversation with other counselors. I made it to a potluck with my sister circle, and enjoyed time around a tree with some great women that have contributed to my healing in the past year in unique ways. I was able to go connect with some of my sangha over food and drink, rather than in silence. Although, I even managed to slip into a weekend silent retreat for a few days amongst it all!

Normally I’m wrapped up in Christmas markets, but this year I decided to only do two and they fell on the same weekend. I still got to participate in the vendor experience, that has it’s highs and lows but that I ultimately quite enjoy, but I didn’t have to slave away or exhaust myself. While grateful for the funds they provided me with, again it was more about the enjoyment of connecting with other vendors, supporting locals, and of course, swapping goodies!

I feel like I could go on, I’m that grateful this season, but I’ll wrap it up with one last lovely adventure. We used to drive around as a kid and count the houses with lights. Every year I wish to do things like carriage rides through downtown Victoria, the Ladysmith light up, or Butchart gardens. Every year, I suppose I’m too busy, or tired, or bogged down to get my butt there. This year, a lovely human I’ve connected with, took me to Butchart. We wandered around all the beautiful lights both before dark and after. While I TOTALLY missed the point until quite a ways through (I thought, hmm that’s weird, why are there chickens eating pastries by the Eiffel tower?- It wasn’t until we got to what I found the weirdest of them all, a bunch of ghostly looking women surrounding a cow, that I realized they were the 3 French hens and the 8 maids a milking…) I found it absolutely beautiful. (I did also drive through Ladysmith a few times to get my fill during my various trips down island.)

With so much free time, I also decided to search out volunteer opportunities. I connected with the Salvation Army and signed up to bring meals to the elderly who are otherwise spending Christmas entirely alone. I ended up falling ill and being unable to deliver, but was presented with a different opportunity to feed the homeless on the 27th when I was feeling a little better. Every year I fantasize about hosting an assembly sandwich making afternoon and delivering but I’ve never known how to go about it or what hoops to jump through. This year, the opportunity fell into my lap (and someone else dealt with the police and bylaw officers to boot!) and, while I was sad to not be able to help out at the Salvation Army, I’m grateful to have made it out yesterday.

Anyways, I wanted to share all this because I’m happy I suppose. It was a nice holiday season full of what I believe it to be meant for. As we approach New Years Eve, I’m delving into two new jobs, wrapping up my current one, volunteering and preparing to venture to Victoria for yoga teacher training. The calm and quiet is making way for an overabundance of development, but you know what? I feel prepared, and even excited, to roll with it.

I know that not everyone has this kind of experience over the holidays. I know a LOT of people are overworked. I know a lot of people are around family that they mostly can’t stand, I know a lot of sober people fight to be around the party and I know a few people who got particularly heavy news. I know some people are alone and some people are on the streets. I know that not everyone is nice, not everyone has warm experiences of Christmas. And I’ve had those years too. However, which ever way this season is landing for you, I hope you can find moments of rest. I hope you can find moments of stillness in nature. I hope you can find some light in the darkest days of the year. I wish you a Merry Christmas. And a very happy new year.

by admin

Be Kind.

This post might seem a little out of left field but it’s topic is actually very close to my heart. Perhaps some of those who read this don’t know, I was in the restaurant industry for many years. My first job was a restaurant that was going out of business. They hired me almost instantly despite my lack of experience and put me in charge of serving half of a high occupancy diner. Not only was I serving, but I was bussing, hostessing, and dishwashing!

Anyways, when this places inevitably closed it’s doors (I showed up to work to a sign announcing it’s closure) I went on to take two more jobs at restaurants. One a family owned Mediterranean restaurant and another a chain breakfast place.  I veered off the path for a few years and then ended up moving to Nanaimo to help my brother open a business that hosted a few nights of 10 course meals per month and later transitioned to a full service restaurant.  Soon after, I also served in his second space.

I’ve had the privilege of working under some amazing talent and the honour of serving some amazing dishes prepared with produce farmed by friends.  I’ve been blessed to witness a level of skill and passion that, it seems, is only recognized and appreciated the way it should be across Europe.  I’ve seen blood, sweat and tears poured into an art that revolutionized the relationship I have with food and the industry.  I used to say I didn’t like things, like beets and brussel sprouts, but I now know the right person can make anything delicious.

Anyways, this post is not meant to be about my experience necessarily.  I just wanted to inform you that I’ve been around this for years and have some insight into both the front and back of house experience in the food service world.  I’m called to speak to this, maybe because I recently read a book titled “Waiter Rant” in which the author describes his experience working tirelessly for little pay, stability or appreciation.  Or maybe because I stumbled across the post on Facebook that featured the image that I’ve used to caption this post.  Or maybe, it’s just because I lived it and it seems appropriate as we come into a time of year where we’re sharing meals with friends and coworkers, booking out entire restaurants for private parties, and generally using these establishments with a little more fervour.

The image shared here, of two men in chefs whites eating on a rolling kitchen accessory, tugged my heart strings.  I can almost feel it.  The post was shared by a person I don’t know named Simon Aldridge, and captioned with “Owners, Managers and Guests take heed: Every time you go to a restaurant or bar for your Xmas festivities, take a look and remember this picture, they do everything to make you good food, and they sometimes only have 5 minutes to eat themselves. Be kind to chefs, bartenders and waiters guys and girls. It doesn’t cost anything.”

I’d wager this shot was taken late into the night, once the kitchen has closed and the last customers are drinking too much and chatting too loudly in the dining room.  The food is likely cold and leftover from their mise en place.  They’ve probably sweat through their coats working in intense heat at a crazy pace to bring carefully orchestrated food to many people over the past 4 hours.  4 hours might not seem like much, but the reality is, service may have run from 5-9, but the prep required to pull it off started at some point in the morning. 

The wait staff have been run off their feet and inarguably met with an onslaught of requests and complaints.  Always navigating the requests of customers and the respect of the chefs.  Having to be careful to allow space for the chefs to focus on fulfilling their execution while also attempting to please the person who didn’t read the menu right and is disappointed with their perfectly prepared dish. 

My intention is to paint a bit of a picture of the reality of a situation.  So that maybe when you’re next in a restaurant feeling the need to complain about the length it takes for your food to reach you, or about the server taking a little while to refill your coke, or whatever else you could find to hold against the establishment or justify a mediocre tip, you consider that these people are working their asses off.  They’re doing the best they can.  They’re offering you something special and sometimes, things that are out of their control, get in the way of the expectations of the diner.  Compassion and understanding could reshape the whole experience for everyone involved.  As Simon Aldridge says, “be kind.  It doesn’t cost anything.”  And of course, that applies to everything, not just those chefs eating kitchen scraps in the middle of the night or the server who forgot your coke.

by admin

Retreat

I am painfully aware that it has been a significant length of time since I last wrote and posted.  I’ve decided to do my best to get a check in of sorts out into the abyss of the internet so that I may reinvigorate my commitment to write more frequently. 

I think I last wrote shortly before departing on a month-long meditation retreat.  I will likely share a bit about that amongst some other reflections.  I’ll start by saying that normally, on retreat, students are expected to refrain from writing, with the exception of taking notes during classes.  This means that for the month of retreat, I gave up my morning writing practice.  I’ll go on to say that while my intention for the month was to be in one place going deep into a silent practice, the reality of the situation was quite different.  I arrived at my chosen destination to discover I was being put up in a shared, and not so quiet space.  I then found out the teachings I anticipated being able to attend were mostly closed off to the volunteers.  These things, on top of being in close proximity to someone I had not wrapped my head around being more than silent with, were enough to propel a change of plans.

I was speaking to my meditation teacher via phone throughout these discoveries and she helped me decide if I was “mat rolling” (a term I learned in this process that refers to bailing out of fear or discomfort, rather than out of wisdom and self care) or if I was, in fact, doing what was best for me.  In the end I decided to stay for the first 10 day retreat that was being held and then depart.  

I let go of the idea of being in silent and deep retreat and, instead, embraced the connections blossoming amongst the volunteers, resident monks and lamas.  I attended what classes and sits I could amongst my chores and used the social opportunity to ask questions.  I have been a student who sits at the front of the class, listens intently to the teacher, and then goes home.  Engaging with the fellow students, or even the teacher beyond scheduled interviews, was not something I’ve been very interested in.  Until recently.  So, you can imagine, with the breadth of thousands of years of teachings, I have some questions!  Being in the company of more dedicated practitioners with more years of practice was very enlightening. 

While finishing my time at the Hermitage, I also planned to leave Denman Island and travel to a friend’s place on Galiano to finish the month solo and in silence.  My teacher, a very busy and successful woman, was off teaching in conferences around Hawaii and the U.S. so she arranged for me to connect with her teacher on the long, little island.  I downloaded a bunch of her past dharma talks and guided meditations, packed up a bunch of art supplies to work with a visualization practice, and off I went. 

Her teacher, Lama Mark Webber, runs a retreat center on Galiano called Crystal Mountain.  I was blessed to attend retreat there in the summer, and also a mini weekend retreat the few days before I’d left for Denman.  Anyhow, I left for Galiano expecting to be on my own with one interview to ask questions and instead was approved to attend two weeks of the four-and-a-half-month long retreat he was/is in the middle of teaching.  The experience was strong, intellectual, often scientific information.  Mostly two classes per day and a study group in the afternoon to play with and explore concepts.  Very different than what I was used to, but I believe what very much I needed.

I finished the month with a short retreat at the Bethleham Center here in Nanaimo.  This was where Lama Mark approved me receiving audio recordings as the classes continue, so my morning writing practice continues to suffer.  I often allow myself an hour or two to listen and follow along in the text.  However, with more and more to process, I’m feeling drawn to finding the time to write as well, and so decided to post today.

I’ve gone on long enough, so I just want to sum up my experience and leave further details and images (I went for a lot of hikes, and Galiano is awe strikingly beautiful) for another day.  While this experience was not at all what I’d prepared for, even fretted about, it was amazing in a lot of ways.  I felt ready for more knowledge, I was feeling more curious to go deeper into the philosophy and that was exactly what was offered to me in a variety of ways.  I’d felt lots of pull to Galiano and Lama Mark in previous retreats throughout the summer and was blessed to end up there learning in great depth from him.  And perhaps the biggest take away, was I was busy.  I didn’t get to slow way down and find deep stillness which has been characteristic of other retreats.  I instead was chopping wood, making food, walking lots, driving up and down Galiano, speaking some and practicing a traditional, seated practice very little.  Why is this so awesome, you might ask?  Because, for the first time, I had a period to practice building meditation, contemplation and study into my daily life, into my connections and into my obligations.  I’ve found it so much easier to return home and dedicate space to continuing on.  I’ve experienced great shifts without having to be in a state that isn’t so accessible outside of a typical retreat environment.  I believe this will help me immensely moving forward and though I feel ready to delve into a month of proper retreat sometime soon, I’m also really grateful for the way this month turned out.

by admin

Out of service.

Hello again, forgive my long period of relative inactivity. I’ve been in the midst of a bunch of shifts, changes and travels in the last couple months and writing has yet to be reintegrated as a daily practice. I’ve been focusing my energy on reading more literature from Tibetan Buddhism in preparation for the month of October.

My teacher often refers to a thangka (paintings used for meditation) where a elephant and a monkey are seen walking with a monk up a winding path. The elephant as a representation of the wisdom mind guiding, trotting steadily on, towards liberation. The monkey as a representation of the busy, distraction mind. Fortunately, or unfortunately, both are alive and well inside me at this moment.

You see, today, I head over to Denman island to slip into a month long meditation retreat. I’m aware of the blessing that this is, but I’ve also experienced a world of anxiety over the last few weeks. For a variety of reasons, but the big one being fear of sitting with myself and the emotional states that are likely to arise as I settle in and start to process a recent break up, a falling out with another retreatant, and a reconnection with an old friend, to name a few.

I’ve been approved to bring along my sweet kitty. While I know this is also a blessing, I’ve been experiencing a fair bit of anxiety around this as well. I don’t know how well he’ll travel, I’m concerned that he will resort back to his previous states as a result of being moved from his comfort zone, and have struggled with my decision to bring him and whether or not it was the right one.

These are the big ticket items, but I harbour a slough of other, less warranted anxieties as well. My monkey mind has created a ton of reasons for me to back away from this retreat. But my elephant knows well enough to carry on. To push through, take baby steps, get myself there. My teacher, other dharma students, and a brief weekend retreat on Galiano have encouraged and set me up well to pack up my cat and my scattered mind and drive steadily on.

I will be offline until October 31st at a minimum. I will attempt to connect when I’m home to share some of my experience. Until then!

by admin

By the Reins

My gosh! I slipped away for my intentional time on hiatus and still haven’t landed back into any sort of semblance of routine. My life has been a bit… unsettled might be the best word. My mind has been full of decisions, my body often overwhelmed and my emotional world, inconsistent. I wanted to take a few moments to check in today, though I’m not sure what to say or how coherently it’ll come out in text. Bare with me.

I went from writing, practicing French and reading every morning. I was running three times per week and managing a consistent work/life balance. I felt fairly grounded a lot of the time. I was opening up and meeting some new, amazing people and making space for them in my life. I even found a education direction that felt right and put in motion all the steps to get me enrolled and paid up.

Just before retreat, my partner of 5 years and I split up. Not a lack of love, but a lack of time. Long distance, strenuous (for me) and with a few issues we had no space to work out. I think I grieved a lot of the aspects of our relationship in the time we no longer lived together, but now it’s letting go of the future we’d started to develop together and getting used to things like an upcoming Christmas season apart.

The retreat was amazing. I worked predominantly with a practice to open the heart and my experience was entirely different than it’s been in the past. I felt more generous with my time and energy, I was given an amazing opportunity to create for my fellow practitioners which I did with a full heart, and I even lingered after to connect with some of the beautiful people I’d spent the 10 days with. (Often the experience for me is quite lethargic, and I come in and leave with out much of a peep to those around me. I suppose I approach with a hunger for the silence and peace that life normally doesn’t provide so effortlessly.)

Anyways, I had a beautiful experience and came home, had a hard conversation with a friend, and lost our relationship as well. I lost my grip a bit between the two shifting connections and, while I didn’t fall into a depression, I did reach to other things to soothe my heart than writing and meditating. More talking with friends, binge watching shows, staying busy.

I’ve also recently gone completely off anti depressants/anti anxiety medication, I’ve reconnected with some folks who’ve rattled my cage (in a good way) and have been in the process of trying to plan for my first weekend of training in Victoria and my next leap of faith into a month long meditation retreat. My emotional experience is vast and overwhelming. I feel like my mind is almost blank with overwhelm and if I’m not quick to grab the shooting stars of thought and get them on paper, I’ll likely forget all I need to do.

I’ve entitled this post “by the reins” because I feel as though the difference between my life before my most recent retreat and now is that I’ve lost the hold of the reins. I know, ultimately, we always hold the reins. We might have a series of external circumstances that unsettle us, but essentially our reaction is within our grasp, within our control. However, I felt grounded, clear and intentional before retreat. I felt like I had some discipline, some direction and some clarity. Now I reside in a state I can’t explain, but I can’t quite seem to find the piece of me that had such strength and resolve.

My only intention at this moment is to get where I’ve set myself out to be. I start training next weekend. I’ve booked the afternoon off work to make it in time, I’ve booked myself a beautiful place to stay, and I’ve got time allotted to delve into the preparatory information. Beyond that, I’m starting to think and plan to be away on retreat for the month of October. Short scattered packing lists, email chains with various teachers and supporters, and some details for weekends of practice within my direct lineage before and after.

I’m going to stop here. I hope that there’s something in here of value. I hope that if you’re feeling like you’ve lost the reins too, that perhaps there’s some glimmer of strings to grasp and use to pull your forward. I also hope that we might find the compassion for ourselves if our inner life doesn’t look quite as stable as we may hope.

by admin

On Hiatus

Hi everyone, again I’m a couple days late. I’ve been going through a difficult transition that I’m not quite ready to share about. I thought about writing a couple times over the last few days, but my emotional capacity to do so is not available.

So I’m writing to tell you that that is where I’m at, and that for the next two Sundays I will be on Denman Island in a silent retreat at the Hermitage Retreat Center. I will be with my beloved teacher, Cheryl Fraser, and while I’m anxious to be sitting with myself at this point in time, I’m doing my best to get there and heed the advice of said teacher that this is the best thing for me.

I’ll let you know one big thing that’s official now, and probably share some insight about the other aspects of my life after contemplation on retreat.

Over the last month I took a trauma informed yoga teacher training in Duncan and fell in love. It was like all the aspects of my education and experience collided and suddenly made sense. So I started to research more education in this vein and found a school in Victoria that offers 300 hour and 800 hour training. I went to meet the owner and took a class, asked my questions, and felt like I was in the right place. I went home and began collecting what I required to apply. I have since applied, been accepted, and have registered for my first module. I officially start in September of 2019.

I wish you all a good couple weeks and I will be in touch in the mid August heat.

by admin

Learn to RUN, for the second time.

Many years ago, around when I first began my degree at Vancouver Island University, I joined a running group. I think it was around $10 and met maybe once or twice per week. It went for a while, maybe a whole semester, and the goal was to use a walk/run program to be able to run for around 30 minutes straight.

I participated, enjoyed it, and even kept running for a while afterwards. At the time, I believe I didn’t have my license, and so I spent a lot of time walking or running around Westwood Lake. I was both fortunate and unfortunate that the only thing in walking distance was the lake…

Anyways, at some point, I don’t remember when or why, I stopped. I left it all behind and slowly, over many years that end now, I became almost completely inactive. I don’t know that I would care so much except that I really want to be able to learn. I choose to fill my mornings with reading and writing, I spend a lot of my free time listening to podcasts and practicing French on duolingo. However, I find that I often have a fairly dull mind. I have trouble remembering what I’ve read or reiterating what I do remember in an effective way.

At some point I learned (and it DID stick) that exercise helps with brain function. Your surprised, right!? SO, in January, around the time that I decided I wanted to commit to writing every day and writing the blog your currently reading, I also decided I needed to incorporate some exercise. I looked around at gyms, I looked up an old target toning video I used to use, I found exercises you could do in your desk at work. I tried to figure out what was realistic for me in terms of time, cost and effort but despite my efforts I have yet to find anything that has stuck for more than a few days or weeks.

A while back I did a yin yoga teacher training and met this amazing personal trainer and, get this, run coach. You can see where this is going already, I’m sure, so I’ll leave out everything leading up to the fact that last week I started a learn to run clinic. I’ve since done one group run, one homework run, and am an hour out from meeting a new friend to complete my final homework run before this weeks group meeting. I feel really great when I’m running and the whole day afterwards. Energized, happy, proud.

This blog has been an accountability buddy of sorts. I didn’t feel like writing today, and feel like this post might not really say much at all, but because I told myself I’d do this, I’m doing it. And so I’m hoping that by telling you all, and by putting it into words for myself, that maybe I’ll be able to keep myself accountable to my runs too. I tend to fluctuate between “it’s too hard, how am I going to do it?” and “I feel better now, I don’t have to keep doing it.” So I know moving forward it’s going to be a bit of a struggle, but I’m excited to be doing something to take care of myself. Hopefully I’ll also make my brain stronger in order to bring the wide breadth of knowledge I hold skillfully to others.

by admin

Confidence

In the last few weeks I’ve been reflecting a lot on confidence.  Confidence is defined as “a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.”  How wonderful that is, right?  I admire those who shine with it, and I’ve even often been told I appear to have it.  But the reality is, my lack of confidence has impacted my life on the daily for as long as I can remember.

I am one who has the “not good enough” message.  The belief somewhere in my core that no matter what, I’m just not good enough.  I first recognized this in myself when I started to rebel against beauty standards.  I had some version of ‘I’m not pretty enough” contaminating my mind, and so I ditched anything girly or vain and instead opted for sweats and chopped purple hair.  I decided that I wanted to be appreciated for things like how intelligent or interesting I was instead of how thin and beautiful, as I didn’t think I had a chance in that department anyways. 

So, then I developed my repertoire of experience and education.  I explored the unusual and developed a pretty subversive, and I believe, interesting set of lenses through which I viewed the world and its inhabitants.  But when I started to connect with people only through intimacy, I realized that maybe the intelligence and unique-ness I perceived to be valuable, was again not “good enough.”  Of course, this was more a reflection of the people I let into my life, and the connections made through alcohol and dim lights, but I internalized it as a confirmation of not being good enough.

So now I’m not pretty enough, or smart enough, or good enough in any way that I can see.  So, I’m depressed, as you might imagine.  Because sometimes my depression means I drink too much, or I can’t get out of bed, or I make a series of choices that leave me between a rock and a hard place, I’m then perceiving myself to not even be a valuable human.  I figure I can’t function in the world, so I shouldn’t be part of it.  Depression turns to suicidal.

I spent many years here.  Not exclusively, but in and out.  Often in relation to others, not valuing my own perception of myself, or even that of those that love me.  Just taking in the behaviours and comments that affirmed my already failing view of myself.  “I’m just not good enough.”

I’d say I started to heal this somewhere amid my university degree.  I started to explore how I existed in the world and to define my values and choose my actions carefully.  I met people doing amazing things that were both counter to the individualistic, materialistic, consumeristic culture of the west, but also helpful and full of potential.  I started to see positive change and how I could contribute to it.  I left behind mind altering substances and started to heal even more.  I delved into meditation groups and deeper self exploration.  I started to introduce travel and spiritual training in parts of the world that called to me.  I took it one step further, and started to work in mental health and to teach yoga.

And, despite around 400 hours of teacher trainings, I still walk into a yoga class, set up my mat at the front of the room, and think “I’m not good enough.”  Despite 5 years of University and hours of training both through continuing education with the University and with the organization I volunteer with, I was overwhelmed with “not good enough” when I went to meet my first client, so much so that I needed a counseling session with one of my supervisors before walking into a room.  And I’m sick of it.  I’m sick of it always taking up space in my brain.  I’m sick of it standing between me and the things I love.  I’m sick of it tying up my tongue or keeping me in bed.  And so, in the last few weeks, I’ve been really looking for guidance.  I’ve been asking myself in stillness, I’ve been asking my tarot cards and my peers, where will my confidence come from?  How can I develop it?  Cultivate and hold onto it? 

Today, while I was doing my morning journaling, I realized that one tool I have in my belt is looking at the whole picture.  This is something I struggle with.  I really value living in the moment.  In fact, the process of learning to do so is what I attribute to any sense of stillness or peace I’ve acquired in my life.  I pride myself on the moments I can be so engrossed with whatever is happening, I don’t think about anything else.  I believe it helps me be a good listener and to connect deeper with people, which is integral in my personal and professional life.  However, I often get suck in the moment of my feelings too and lose track of the big picture. 

I’m in the process of creating a personal statement for an application to a program I really want in to.  I have to answer a variety of questions including things like what I’d bring to the program and what it is I hope to develop in my time there.  I had to write about any relevant experience and where I hoped that my efforts would bring me.  As I thought about and attempted to articulate my answers, I realized that I have some amazing experience under my belt.  I’ve completed a fairly decent amount of various types of training as well.  I have a university degree, I’ve worked many interesting jobs, I have travelled to places like India, Nepal, Indonesia, and Europe.  I’ve travelled alone and for many months.  I’ve completed trainings in different parts of the world, including staying in Ashrams and Monasteries.  I’ve managed to maintain some great relationships and I’ve developed a closeness with my family that I aspired to most of all.  I continue to grow and expand and learn.  And it’s all despite my internal mental battle.  I need to remember this.

It would benefit me to realize that despite my brain essentially trying to kill me, I’ve continued to push through.  Even though when I’m sad I feel like I’ve never seen light, its important that I attempt to see that despite this, I’ve found light.  I’ve even fought for it.  When I feel like I don’t know anything, I will look to my many certificates that say otherwise.  I have done so much DESPITE MY depression.  That is a fucking miracle.  My confidence lies in REALIZING this.  Not just cognitively, but in the core of my being.  Where that “you’re not good enough” message is, it needs to find its way in there and blow that old voice to pieces.  Because I’m a shiny, wonderful, human with lot’s to learn, but also lot’s to offer.  And I’m sick of acting like, and believing that’s not true.

by admin

Those you keep close.

I’m late again! One of these days I may just push it to Monday as my weekends seem to disappear ever so quickly. Anyways, I’m going to share a bit about excitement this week.

I learned somewhere in my training to counsel others that physiologically, the same thing happens in our body when we’re excited as when we’re anxious, but the thoughts we have are what determine the emotion. Since learning this I’ve given extra attention when anxious to the thoughts I have and whether I can adjust them to change how I interpret my feelings, and what I’ve often noticed is that I fluctuate from one to the other. Sometimes quite quickly.

Currently, well in the next hour or so, I’m embarking on a short road trip to Victoria to explore a potential avenue of personal and professional development. I’ve been flip flopping between gleeful excitement and hesitant anxiety. I imagine a life in which it all works out and I’m employed in a meaningful and excited way with all sorts of freedoms and feel stoked, and then I flip to the fact my beau and I will be apart longer and our relationship challenged. I imagine instead that I spend all this money and energy and still lack confidence or direction, and I, of course, feel trepidations and anxious about moving forward.

I do believe there to be a link between things like how well I’m feeding myself or how much rest I’m getting and which story happens but the biggest thing I’ve noticed in my week of anticipation is that it makes the most difference in who I’m talking with about it.

The people who express generous and genuine interest and enthusiasm help pump me up. They are encouraging my exploration and enhancing my confidence to pursue it. And, you know what, in that energy of dialogue, it doesn’t even matter so much if I do go and spend all the money and not end up where my heart desires.

They say to choose your friends wisely and that you’re most like those you keep close. I continue to evaluate the overarching themes in my support and work on believing I’m worth it and deserving of those that hold me in high esteem and still possess a love and curiousity about life and all it’s experiences, thus inspiring me, getting me through the prevalent self doubt and bringing me closer to an excited, expansive existence.

That’s all from me this week. I’ll hopefully have some exciting news or some thorough reflections for you all next week. Until then!

by admin