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What I’m learning about love from a feral fur baby.

I’ve had sweet Yuri for about 3 months now.  My beau and I adopted him shortly after our Franco died.  It may have been too soon, but it helped soothe me to have another fur baby to love.  I fell in love with him after scoping out the SPCA website and seeing his photos. He’s a handsome, small grey and white cat with extra toes on his front paws so it looks like he’s perpetually wearing little kid mittens (known as polidactyl.)  

He’s also a rescue cat that was taken from a hoarder that was housing around 100 cats. He was essentially feral and I can only imagine they way he was treated. He did make his way into a foster home that couldn’t keep him and then spent roughly a month at the SPCA. The first few days at home I kept him locked in the bathroom. I have a chair that resides there, which he hid under, and I brought in a chair for me. They encouraged me to read aloud to him to help him get used to me and my voice. I didn’t mind this at all as I spend most of my time reading anyways, and actually love reading aloud to my nephew (and my partner the occasional time he’s in the mood.)  I was also encouraged to feed him off a long spoon to get him familiar with being in close proximity. ENCOURAGED to spoon feed and read to my cat? Rather than ridiculed for it? Amazing.

Yuri is slowly becoming more comfortable.  He started scooting around the room while I was reading.  I let him out into the rest of the house a few days in and he seemed to adapt well.  He’s a curious little guy. He sniffed around, found his favourite resting spots and his favourite windowsill, bird watching spots.  He got used to eating off my fingers fairly quickly too, and within a couple weeks would bring his front paws onto my knee to do so. But he would still always hiss.  If I came in the room, he’d jump off the couch and under the coffee table hissing all the way. He’d hiss even as he came towards me to eat off my hand. And while he’s since made leaps and bounds in his progress, he still hisses when I walk down the hall behind him too fast or touch him while he’s sleeping beside me.

But the biggest steps were made this past few weeks.  He’s started sleeping with me. At first only at night, but now he’ll nestle up next to me while I read or work on my computer too.  The hardest part has been not being able to pat him. He’s always flinched and squirmed away (normally hissing) whenever I’ve reached a hand out towards him that wasn’t slathered in wet food.  But this past week, he let me pet him. I was feeding him this disgusting cat soup from Thrifty’s (my hands ALWAYS smell like cat food these days…) and he let me touch him. I pet his cheek and chin, a little on his head, behind his ears.  It was glorious.

I’ve learned so much from this animal.  Franco was the best cat, really truly. He was sweet and snuggly.  He would always come lay on me and purr his little heart out. He would knead on me (sometimes on my shoulders while I lay on my stomach and I swear he was doing his best to repay the favour of so many pats) and he did it without claws, which we patented as happy pawing.  He would follow us around and run when we called him. We had him from a kitten and he always let me play with his toes and push out his claws and whenever we cut his nails, we’d wrap him in a towel so he couldn’t scratch us and he’d just purr away. He was so sweet, and we loved him so much, and his time on earth was much too short.  

But Yuri.  This Yuri. He’s taught me how to love in an entirely different way.  I want so badly to snuggle and pat him. I’m a physical touch person and it’s so hard to not just pick him up.  It’s been months of being patient, going slow, and finding as much joy as possible in the limited, but awesome, shifts.  I’ve come to appreciate our time while I hand feed him. I’ve come to find some much happiness by him just trusting enough to lay next to me, and then to not feel the need to look over at me if I move, and ever so slowly to let me touch him with minimal to no aversion.  I enjoy watching him play and hunt. I love that I can say no when he scratches even a little on the carpet, and he hears me and stops. I love that he meows back at me when I talk to him. I’ve so enjoyed just being part of his opening process and I have found love for him in an unusual way.  It’s not effortless and perfect as it was with Franco, or my first family cat Gus, but it’s developing in a rather special and wonderful way.

If you are in the process of socializing feral cats you’ll find tips like these useful.  

  1. Don’t let them have full reign of the house right away as it may overwhelm.  
  2. Feed them off your hand, and often, to get them comfortable with you.  
  3. There are sprays that mimic cat hormones and are meant to help with stress.  Try spraying them on their favourite resting spots.
  4. There are cat trees to give the kitty a high vantage point to watch the household, they feel safe when they can see the whole room.  These are expensive and often quite space consuming, but clearing off a high surface they can access will work too.
  5. Try the sweet little cave cat beds so they can hide and feel secure.  

I’ve since tried almost all of them, the spray seems to have led to the biggest breakthroughs.

I wish you luck, and invite you to message me with any tips or tricks you’ve found useful!

by admin

On the Calgary roadside.

I’m sitting on the edge of a planter set in the center of a Calgary sidewalk.  My feet are dangling and I’m nearly breaking a sweat from the sun beams defrosting the last bits of winter.  It’s that time of year when you still wear all your wool because there are patches of ice and snow about, but you’re always left delayering once the afternoon clouds part and the Spring sun peaks through.  I’m happily waiting for a bus (that comes every 15 minutes, a real difference from my home base where they seem to run once every hour!) I fill some of the time shooting a couple of texts off to my bestie, but mostly i’m basking in my overwhelming gratitude.

You ever have one of those moments where all of a sudden you can see everything clearly, devoid of worry and fear?  Where you just see how blessed you are? As I sat in the sun, I had this moment. The anxiety of whether or not to move to Calgary was gone and I just felt excited at the opportunity to live somewhere new.  My worry of finances for a trip to New York City was replaced with gratitude and happy visions of roaming the summer streets and picnics in central Park. My fear of being alone with myself on retreat as my birthday gift to myself was replaced with excitement and curiousity to get still and explore.

    Suddenly I realize the people I had admired when I was younger, the ones that lived between cities and posted photos of all their travel adventures, I had become one of them.  It isn’t easy always, I’m never flush and there are some less than ideal circumstances that allow it, but I can see past the stress for a moment and purely enjoy the fact I’m living a life I’d envied.

The unfortunate part of this moment was that it occured to me that the next day or next month, my depression could take hold of me and erase this glimpse of truth with negative and detrimental thought patterns.  The ones that tell me I’m a victim, that I’m being forced to spend money going to Calgary and New York to sustain my relationship. The scarcity messages that tell me I’ll never have enough money if I keep going on trips and doing the things that have brought my so much gratitude.  The thought that I SHOULD be doing this that or the other thing, not whatever it is I’ve chosen to do. You get the idea. If you struggle with mental health issues, It’s likely you know this intimately. Feeling like you’re being taken hostage by your own flippant brain.

However, I did something different in this moment.  I noticed the doom brain saying “your depression is going to ruin this” and decided that, in this instant, I’d really feel the excitement and gratitude instead of letting the fear damper my moment.  I don’t know yet if the efforts will be helpful, though I imagine it’s like the Cherokee story of feeding the good wolf, that giving more power to the positive will help it thrive.* But I will tell you one thing I know for sure, by reveling in that moment, I’ve found a strength that I can connect to and write about clearly more than a week later, and that, my friend, is worth A LOT.

What do you do to take away the power of your negative thought cycles?

*An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

by admin

Spring Clean

I love this time of year, not only for the more persistent sun, the warmer temperatures and the sprinkling of colour that presents itself as the flowers are revitalized.  I also love it for the energy it brings. The feeling that I’ve been inside amidst my piles of books long enough, it’s time to shift, rearrange, toss and reorganize. I am an organizer by nature (though you’d maybe never know it by looking at my house- you’ve heard of organized chaos?)  I get all nerdy excited when i get to play tetris with real life objects. I was stoked to be able to make little sections and alphabetize the little write ups for products at work, like ‘best morning ever’ stoked.

Anyways, at this time of year, I’m normal!  Everybody gets in this mode more naturally. It’s like the sun calls to us to clear out our clutter to let more warm, cascading light fill our spaces.  Our winter woolies get tucked away to make room for flowy, colourful fabrics. We’re more bold, or try to be, with letting go of things we’ve been holding onto like that desk that’s been used for nothing but storage and that chair that’s been serving as a coat rack.  We are lured to the multi-coloured storage bins and closet organizers. We are even encouraged by the city to leave our normally unaccepted items on the side of the road. Ah, Spring cleaning is upon us.

Gretchen Rubin, in The Happiness Project, talks about getting rid of clutter.  Marie Kondo’s The Life-changing Magic of Tidying up became so popular she’s since attained a Netflix series.  Rubin says that a clean space leaves her feeling less bogged down and with more energy to continue on with her other commitments on her path to happiness.  Rubin mentions the lack of decluttering discussed historically (I would speculate that this concept now being explored in depth, was not in need before consumerism became what it is today) but the benefits are undeniable and seemingly uncontested in positive psychology today.  A tool to make for a happier life.

So, where do we start?  If you’re like me, you’re thinking “I’m inspired!  I only want to have 3 pairs of pants in my closet! I mostly wear leggings anyways, this will be easy!”  You go to your closet, you pull out your 20 pairs of pants (I’m exaggerating, books are my issue, not pants) and think ‘well, i can’t get rid of this pair, they make my butt look good…  Not this pair either, this pair MAKES that outfit I wore that one time…’ etc. until you’ve justified every pair in there and walked away defeated.

I’ll be honest, I struggle with this so I don’t have a whole ton of insight to share but I’ve found a few good ones that I’m going to share here and perhaps you can share with me the tricks you’ve found and together we can work to get rid of some of our clutter.

BABY STEPS

I know this to be true.  If I think of all I have to do, i get OVERWHELMED.  When I’m overwhelmed, I am no longer a functioning human being.  I become immobilized so this is the top of the list intentionally.

What does this mean exactly?  Let’s say you are currently looking at your space and thinking I have to dust, vacuum, scrub the floors, do the laundry, take out the trash and recycling, etc.  We all know this list. Instead of getting overwhelmed and laying down (my go to!) just do one thing. Maybe, like me, you don’t mind sweeping. So you do that one thing.  Maybe that one thing gives you energy to do some other thing, or maybe not, but at least you did ONE thing. I’m not going to lie, typing this post up today was my one thing.  Yet to be discovered if it inspires something else or not.

Gretchen Rubin’s one-minute rule

Brilliant lady.  If you can do it in under one minute, just do it.  I can drop my sweater on the chair or I can take one minute to hang it up and have somewhere nice to sit and reflect on how easy it was!  

Pick one thing to toss

Go back to the pant situation.  You’re staring at your twenty pairs of pants thinking you need them all, justifying all the reasons the too tight, too short pants are worth keeping.  Just choose ONE pair to toss. Yes, it’ll be a slow process, but like with the baby steps, you did something. And one of every clothing item is not a terrible dent to have made.

These are just a few ideas, and a few resources to draw from to get you on your way. I’d love to hear your tips and tricks too! Feel free to contact me and share. Enjoy your journey in making space for a new year of new adventures and shifts. It’s not until we let go of the old, that we can make space for the new.

by admin

The key to perspective shifts.

I gotta tell ya, as someone who struggles with falling fairly easily into depressive thinking, I kind of hate those people that say things like, “you just have to change what you think.” The idea of being able to choose how you feel, that the darkness I often feel encompassing me is then of my own doing, is frustrating. In fact, this perspective often leaves me feeling as though there is even more wrong with me because I can’t see the other option in the thick of my wounds. But I do know one thing that helps, and that is Gratitude.

In low points where I’ve felt the ground being pulled out from under me, I’ve reached for the gratitude pad (paper where I write out a gratitude list.) Sometimes I’ve posted 3 things a day on social media for a certain number of days with an announcement of my intention to hold me accountable to take the time each day. Sometimes it starts with simple things and without a lot of feeling behind them. Like a sarcastic “at least I got out of bed” or something, but it gets the ball rolling. Usually by the middle of whatever period I’ve allotted myself, I’m grateful for subtle things like the way the wind moves blades of grass. By the end I’m often grateful for whatever shit thing that got me making this gratitude list in the first place because otherwise I wouldn’t be so grateful! You get the idea.

This Sunday I’m feeling an unbridled sense of gratitude. I was really busy this past week. For fellow moon trackers, it was a dark moon leading to the new moon on April 5th, generally a time I feel internal, introverted and in need of extra rest. However, rather than scheduling accordingly, which I often do, I overloaded myself. Feeling a sense of financial fear as I approach an unexpected trip to NYC, I took on extra shifts. I also started two passion projects recently that I was bringing forward to students for the first time over the weekend. On top of the physical exertion that was already beyond my norm, I also felt a mix of wavering emotions as my preparation made its way to presentation. And, to boot, there were several social engagements that it meant a lot to me to show up for.

As you might imagine, I was feeling tired. Deeply tired. All week. I felt a bit like I was dragging my feet to show up. But I made it through everything and now, early afternoon on Sunday, I get to stop. I’ve had a shower, I’m writing to you (my dear friends) and then I’m resting. The knowledge that tomorrow and Tuesday are interspersed with only a few errands and appointments got me through my final push, and I couldn’t be more grateful with where my efforts this week got me.

I made it. I showed up to almost everything I had intended to. I pushed myself to work at home after work. I took the spare moments to prepare myself and take care of myself to be able to show up in a way that wasn’t just physical but also intentional and meaningful. I maneuvered a wide breadth of emotions without letting any of them engulf me or take me too far off my path. My stubborn Taurus bull kept me focused and strong. I was able to facilitate two things that have been long term goals of mine and feel as though my enthusiasm was felt in my audience as well. I struggled for sure, I felt like I might not quite make it, but I did it and I did it in a way I feel proud of.

Sometimes it’s hard to find gratitude, and other times it’s abundance is overwhelming. In times when it overflows, absorb it. Let yourself feel it. Let your body be ingrained with it. So that maybe, when you struggle to find it, a few simple attempts to fake it, can remind you of the deep well within you and pull you out of the dark and into the wealth of light.

I wish you a restful Sunday. And I hope that you take some moments to find your gratitude.

by admin

It is in the face of challenge that we grow.

I have spent the last hour of my morning reflecting on the last week grasping for something fantastic or even just relevant for a wide audience and haven’t had a lot of luck.  I thought I could reach back further, reflect on a trip I’ve taken, several of which have been showing up in my memories on Facebook. I thought about taking from one of the reflections I’ve typed up and deemed not worthy to use in the past.  But, as i sat and thought about the millions of directions I could go that I wasn’t really connected to, I opted to write what is in my heart.

So, the last week I’ve felt sort of… uninspired.  I wager it’s been going on longer than a week. I even recall moments in Nepal last fall where I felt uninspired.  I’ve felt lonely or deflated or wildly angry while travelling before, but never uninspired. So I’ve been asking myself why this is.  I’ve been journaling about it every morning, curious about this lack of spark. My conclusion so far is simply that I don’t do enough that’s outside of my comfort zone.  When I was in University I would take a class (outside of the university) every semester. One time adult ballet to reconnect to my youthful dancing days. One time I took a watercolour painting class.  Just something on top of my school courses that allowed me some creativity, some challenge that wasn’t purely academic.

I listened to Sean Achor, a positive psychologist with a ted talk I took to heart.  He talks about how humans are programmed to do what’s easiest. So I put my T.V. under a blanket and put the remote in the other room and left out books and my guitar.  I learned to play Delilah and I spent some time every day using my voice.

I started going out alone, and often.  I’d go out for dinner, on little trips to surroundings islands and towns, and to spiritual or creative events.  I went to strangers homes to try meditation groups and met new people all the time. It was all amazing. Challenging and life affirming.  It was so beneficial I became confident in a variety of things I never thought I’d be able to do. I valued my relationship with myself and my surroundings, and I never lacked inspiration.

I’m really grateful for all of these experiences.  And you know what? Since doing all these things, I am now comfortable to do most anything alone.  I don’t flinch to go sit in a coffee shop, or attend an event, or be off in Nepal for a month. I’ve gained some unique strength.  But I also don’t feel like I’m challenged by much anymore. I’m not sure what to do to push my boundaries. I realized at some point that I hadn’t had a long term relationship where I needed to communicate and work with someone without just giving up and moving on, so I worked on that and am in a nearly 5 year long relationship.  I recognized I wasn’t as good of a friend or family member as I would have liked and that relationships are the most important to me, so I’ve worked on showing up and connecting with those who share my values. (This is still, and may always be a work in progress.) I decided I’d write and now I write every morning and post for the world every Sunday.  

Maybe this is the point where I sit in my comfortable life and enjoy it?  I have obvious areas that need work. Like my job for instance. I am working several jobs, none of which make my heart soar or pay me enough to stay with them long term.  But it’s hard to make shifts when my future holds travel and a significant move to be near my partner. I do continue to write and I’m pushing myself to try a workshop rather than weekly yoga classes.  I am still growing, trying new things, reading and learning. But something is missing. I think I’ve found the things I connect to and have stayed comfortable in expanding those instead of trying new.

So my goal for the summer is to try new things.  Real new things. Maybe places I haven’t been, or things I think I may not enjoy.  Maybe I’ll spend time in unfamiliar coffee shops writing and see if I meet some new faces.  I will find a class or group I don’t know anything about and see what fruits it offers me. And the fun thing about commiting to a weekly post, is that I have a spot to record it.  A spot to share and reflect and learn from others. I invite you to message me and share your experience, I would in fact love it if you did.

by admin

Happy Spring and a magical full moon to you!

For this entry I just want to share a bit of my last week with you.  First off, on Wednesday March 20th, you may not know there was a big, shiny full moon.  As if that isn’t awesome enough, it was also the Spring equinox. I don’t know about you, but I find the full moon energy to be quite apparent, and it was that observation that sparked my curiousity and guided me down the path of studying lunar and seasonal shifts.  I always notice things like driver’s being a bit more hazardous, or interactions with others more energetic or emotional.

Anyways, with this full moon, my internal energy shift was very apparent.  I had a long few days hopping from one commitment to the next while also trying to take care of a cat that was partaking in some concerning behaviour and attempting to get myself ready for a trip to visit my beau in Calgary.  After more than a year of observing my energy cycling with the moon, I often load my schedule up during the full moon knowing that I often (though not always) have more energy. However, this week quickly turned into very long days with not much space in between engagements to tend to my cat, the only unforeseen of the activities.  I felt scattered and as though I was flying through everything without being very present in the midst of the overwhelm. I had lists everywhere that I jotted down the random thoughts that came into my head about purchases I needed to make, people I needed to get back to, things I needed to drop off, what I needed to pack. It was almost an out of body experience watching my hand list all the fragments that were popping out of my cloud of thought.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last couple years learning about and being exposed to different rituals to connect with your personal practice.  I haven’t consistently adopted any of them, but regular journaling, despite my best intentions. Because it made sense to me that a full moon on the spring equinox had the potential to be more powerful, I let my curiousity overpower my anxiety and planned to attend a full moon gathering with some lovely strangers.  I spent the day before writing out my intentions for the coming year, my financial goals, relational goals, and my work/ life balance goals. A big ticket item for me was/is to find work that pays me enough to get by but that doesn’t drain me emotionally or energetically, so much so that I’m not able to show up for the activities in my life that keep me healthy and happy.  I also saw my counselor with the intention of sorting out my mind about moving to Calgary. She helped me see that the simple (though not necessarily easy) solution was to find a place that my partner could afford without me so it would not inconvenience him or create a claustrophobic situation for me if I did not want to stay. The space would also need to allow our cat. The odds seemed stacked but I felt comfortable and excited with those stipulations in place.

Throughout the day of the full moon I was presented with several offers to work with people in environments that I believe are aligned with my values and will help me grow.  The hours are flexible to aid with the success of my long distance relationship and I will be fairly compensated. My heart was so full it felt like it was bursting and it relit a fire in me that had faded to one barely burning ember.  The full moon circle presented me with new connections with like minded women (another pursuit I’ve actively been taking in the last few months.) I also heard from my partner a couple days later that his current landlord offered him the upstairs, me and our cat can move in if we want, and he’ll keep his rent the same (when before he’d been asking a lot more.)  

I feel like maybe, just maybe, I really am a magical being.  Maybe I can attract what it is I need. Or maybe just clearly defining what it is I need, opens me to the possibility of it being created and presented in my life.  Like the idea that you look at buying a white mazda and then you start seeing white mazdas everywhere? Except instead of white mazdas I’m seeing empowering opportunity.  Whatever it is, I’ll take it!

I have a New Moon workshop coming up that I’m fairly excited about hosting and I also spent a little bit of my energy abundance this full moon starting to create intentional items for little moon magic care packages.  If you’re interested in learning more details about this event, check out the event page.

If you’re interested in learning more about working with the moon, here are a couple books that have been great aids for me!  Moonology by Yasmin Boland gives a great run through of the phases of the moon and provides many helpful online resources as well.  Moon Mysteries by Nao Sims and Nikiah Seeds is another beautiful illustrated guide that includes a great chart for starting to track your moon with the moon, an activity that quite literally changed my life.

by admin

When to do and when not to do.

In the last few weeks I’ve continued to come across this threshold where I’m meant to decide between two things that are important to me.  Sometimes it’s little things, like if I decide to go home early and get a good night sleep or if I decide to go to some event that will likely fill my cup and sacrifice some sleep.  Sometimes it’s been bigger things, like deciding if I move away from my family, particularly my little nephew, in order to be nearer my love to help our relationship. But regardless of the weight of the decision, I’ve found it be very difficult to know how to prioritize.

I’ll start with something personal.  I committed to myself, at the beginning of this year when I was searching for sparks in the winter darkness, that I would write every day.  I committed to 3 pages in a journal every morning, plus a weekly post on my blog. In the last week especially, I’ve found myself to be very busy.  I received extra shifts at work, I’m hosting a fundraiser, I agreed to open a space for the meditation group I’m part of, and my spare time became sparse and my need for rest greater.  In my head, I committed to 3 pages of journaling and a blog post, so yesterday when between my cleaning shift and opening the door for meditation, I couldn’t finish 3 pages, even though I did spend a couple hours on my computer working with different ideas for my Sunday post, I felt that I’d let myself down.  I tell myself that it’s a slippery slope, I rationalize missing a page of my 3 pages and next thing I know, it’s summer and I haven’t written in months.

Also within the last couple weeks, I distanced myself from someone who was really not showing up for me.  Cancelling plans at the last minute, went from checking in every couple days with exclamation points and emoji’s to one word responses, and from being persistent about hanging out to barely fitting a visit in in a few weeks.  So, I told myself all those things “don’t prioritize someone who isn’t prioritizing you,” “people show you who they are,” and whatever other hard hitting memes popped into my head. Despite my hopes for a friendship, I distanced myself telling myself that there is no reason for his behaviour other than him just being flaky and disinterested in a friendship, and so I removed myself to protect myself.

And perhaps the hardest contemplation has been the infamous choice that was presented in September when my live in partner accepted a spot in the Masters of FIne Arts program at the University of Calgary, do I stay or do i go.  I have a wonderful, nearly 4 year old nephew. My whole family lives on the same property and I love them. We see each other daily, we talk and text, and we have dinners almost weekly. They’re important to me and they’re my friends as much as my family.  So when Calgary came into the picture, I was more interested in a long distance relationship than a departure from my hearts home. However, after living apart for 7 months now, I find that I am not embracing the time alone quite as I’d imagined. I pictured myself focusing so much on me that I find my daily sadhana and rebuild connections and all those wonderful things, but the reality is that I’m finding a struggle to maintain work that allows me to travel back and forth often to visit, while also paying enough to be able to afford to do so on top of living expenses and paying off debts.  I also found that I devoted a lot of time to people like the person mentioned above, who’s behaviour was feeding my negative self talk and self doubt. So I now wonder if a new adventure, a new city, new work, new people, would in fact be exciting and challenging in a way I desperately need. And so I contemplate departing from my family, missing a lot of the next year of my nephews life, and ultimately taking a great leap into the unknown.

There are many other things of various importance that have shown up.  I currently reside in a fairly encompassing state of uncertainty. For whatever reason, I’m reevaluating all of my titles and where I disperse my energy.  I am constantly considering whether what I’m doing resonates with me and whether or not I should continue on the path I’m on.

I have been a practitioner of meditation for many years, and will likely always reference reading material, or wise teachers words, or personal reflections from this practice in my writing, and for good reason.  I went to a talk yesterday that was focused on the power of breath meditation to help us into reality. In any given moment, while on a cushion in meditation, the only thing that is really happening is your body is residing in a somewhat comfortable position, breathing itself.  Everything beyond that, maybe even whether or not you are comfortable, is a creation in your mind.

I know this to be true, I’ve observed it for years.  However, when I sit down to contemplate these various uncertainties, I have trouble tuning in and seeing most of these choices are hard simply because I attach a nightmare-ish story to them.  I can choose to move or not, I will live in Calgary or not. I can choose to distance myself from this relationship, or I can choose to see their behaviour as only a reflection of them and accept it.  That is the reality. The idea that I’ll miss this or lose that is just my fear mind keeping me in limbo. And I could see myself staying in the turmoil of uncertainty and fear as long as I have the opportunity to make the decision unless I find some clarity.  Some vision of reality. Some true and unwavering understanding of everything being impermanent. So I suppose my answer of ‘when to do or not do’ is simply to make a choice when you know you are seeing clearly.

So, just for today, I am going to try and stay with my breath filling and leaving my body.  My heart pumping blood to my organs and limbs. My subconscious that effortlessly gets me safely from one place to another in a fast moving hunk of metal.  And let the rest fall away. Spend some time awake to reality rather than in the nightmares my mind creates, and maybe this will help me find my way.

by admin

What my happiness jar taught me about love.

So, if you’ve read my other posts you somewhat understand that I deal with depression.  One of the many articles, books, blogs, classes, I read or attended suggested the happiness jar project.  I think they encouraged you to find and write about something good every day for a year, but you might also remember that I don’t have the best memory, or follow through, so my 365 days of happiness was more like 100 randomly selected events I thought to write down.  Anyways, I went through it a couple weeks ago and rewrote all the events I deemed a big deal into a little notebook for future reference. (I am also a packrat and keep a ton of memorabilia, I assume my bad memory is bound to only get worse so this is how I intend to remember the wonderful life I’ve had.)

So anyways, I noticed something while I was going through and writing everything down.  And I felt it worth sharing and reflecting on.

The most noteworthy things were not things that were done for me; by myself or others, or gifts that were given to me, or really of any direct benefit to me.

The things that I wrote down most, and the things that brought smiles to my face while I was rewriting, were the things I’d done for other people.  I am a jewelry maker and at Christmas time, though I didn’t have a lot of money, I was blessed to have product that I could donate to baskets for people in the ICU over the holidays.  My friend turned 40 and I wrote out 40 great things about him and put them in a jar for when he felt he needed a boost. I went to visit a friends partner in the hospital as an act of support to them both.  And these acts of love were the kinds of things I felt good enough about to stop and make note of.

This tells me two things about pop culture and the messages we receive on love and loving.

One.  

We don’t have to be perfect to help others.  I always see memes that say things like “you can’t love anyone until you love yourself.”  Love is a verb, an action word. I can show love even when in the depths of despair. I don’t have to heal all my wounds in order to be of service to others.  I can be so down and falling apart and still, if nothing else, help someone to see what NOT to do.

Two.  

While I was in Nepal, I attended a ten day Intro to Tibetan Buddhism course.  The nun who was the primary teacher for the course, and who was also a western european, got up one day and talked about the concept of compassion fatigue and told us this is a concept only of the West.  In the East it’s thought that it’s by sharing that we grow. The more compassion we extend, the more we can feel and see. You may have heard the story of the candle being able to light all the other candles without being extinguished.  This is what we’re talking about here. I’ve worked in some terrible environments in the realm of mental health, and identified as having compassion fatigue. I have told myself I am better staying home, sheltered from potentially draining situations, when in fact getting out, finding it in my heart to be kind,to extend love, might be the very remedy.  It’s not that we’re fatigued from being compassionate, it’s that we’re fatigued from long hours, obligation, expectation. Maybe I shouldn’t speak for all of us, though I’d love you to contribute your thoughts! But I know that I sometimes expected that my efforts made change, or felt only obligation to sit and listen, not a genuine interest in being of service.  Sometimes I was so tired and felt so unheard in the environment I was working that I had too much resentment to unveil the loving support I wished to offer. It’s nothing about being tired of helping, caring, loving. It’s the conditions we apply, implicitly or explicitly, that make it exhausting.

When I wanted to seek out ways to be of service, I found them and they filled me up.  They gave me more reserves, more genuine interest and energy, and more heart to continue being of service.  And it didn’t matter that I may have struggled with self doubt or hatred the day I dropped off the bracelets at the hospital.  It didn’t matter that I couldn’t stand my reflection in the mirror the day that I made my friend a jar of 40 things that are great about them.  It didn’t make a damn difference how I felt about myself when I put love out into the world, and it actually gave me a little more love to give.  

I encourage you to find the place within you that is true.  That is loving, kind, compassionate. Generous, affectionate and warm.  Find that place and offer from it, and take a moment to notice just how much it fills up your cup.


by admin

A moment to honour the new moon.

The moon cycles every 29.5 days.  It goes through a series of stages from new to full and back again.  It perfectly shows us the impermanence that the Buddhist refer too. It thoroughly represents the creation and destruction of all life, and the inevitable rebirth.  In Demetra Georges book, Mysteries of the Dark Moon, she elegantly writes, “The darkness is lit with the translucent quality of transformation; and during this essential and necessary period, life is prepared to be born.”

Today marks the new moon, the last new moon of the lunar year.  The dark moon is the period between the waning crescent and the waxing crescent in the middle of which, falls the new moon.  This is a perfect moment to reflect. To be still, to journal, to go inside. I thought I’d take a moment and send out a special little note regarding the power of this time.  The last few days may have had you feeling a bit lost, maybe low energy, perhaps withdrawn. I’m here to tell you, that in the last year, I’ve learned and observed that to be totally normal and a real blessing.  

I never was one to pay much mind to the moon and the lunar cycles.  I’d occasionally notice the full moon lighting up the sky, a beautiful sliver of light over the treeline, or the roads full of slightly more hazardous drivers.  I’m not sure when it shifted. It may have been during my time working in a 90 bed inpatient drug and alcohol treatment facility. The full moons became more apparent.  I started to consider that the weird monthly energy was more than a coincidence. But it wasn’t until I met one of my wonderful teachers and started really tuning myself to the lunar cycling, that I came to fully see its power.

For the past year I’ve tracked my menstrual and the lunar cycles in tandem.  I’ve come to see my energy wane and wax with the moon. I’ve noticed that I’m more reflective at the new moon and more social with the full.  I’ve noticed I need more down time as I approach the dark sky, and have more energy as the night sky brightens. And more than that, I learned that it isn’t just coincidence.  It is documented by many wise women for centuries and represented through goddesses and calendars. There are countless books, online resources, and worksheets. There are ways to set intentions and use the building energy to create a more aligned life.

Maybe you’re aware of all this, in which case maybe this is of no use to you.  However, if this is new information, I encourage you to work with it. Maybe just start as I did. Simply paying attention to the moon.  A little emotional journal. Note when you go internal and need more rest, notice when you have sparks of creativity or the unusual urge to go dancing.  Take it a step further. Maybe take a couple months of notes and start to plan your schedule around it. Maybe more social engagements around the full moon, more meditation and journaling around the new.  See if you feel more balanced, see if your tasks feel more manageable.

Consider that these moments of darkness aren’t inherently bad.  It’s not that we’re anxious and socially awkward, it’s just that we need some alone time to reflect.  The feeling of uncertainty and unknown are opportunities, not curses. The transformation, big or small, that’s happening now is inevitable and doesn’t have to be laden with fear.  We can start to learn, through tuning into the monthly cycles, how to maneuver through the yearly and life long cycles more gracefully and intentionally.

Please contact me to let me know what you do or, if you’re only just beginning, I would love to hear how it’s going!   I’m also offering a New Moon gathering for next month, so if you’re interested in learning a little more about aligning practices with the powerful moon, click here to join.

If you’re interested in learning more about lunar rhythms and deepening your connection at home, check out this great book that will give you info, practices and access to so much more online!


by admin

Reflections for Anti-bullying day.

So, I haven’t felt that inspired to write this week, but hoped that a series of slightly uncomfortable social events would give me the nudge of creativity I needed.  I assumed I’d come away with something positive and reflective, but unfortunately I came away with a different sort of influence.

I chose to go to an event I likely otherwise would not have gone to, in order to support a friend.  I invited people to go with me and shared about this friend and all their wonderfulness. I even brought a congratulatory gift for said friend.  

I got home from my adventure feeling so lonely and needing to call my beau to vent and shed some tears.  Because you see, I approached this friend with offerings of kind words and gifts to be barely acknowledged and almost literally shoved aside for the other supporters.  I felt embarrassed and small. And the worst of all, I imagined that those I brought along would think less of me.

I reached out to one of my companions and braved expressing this fear and was wonderfully supported.  He said that my being disregarded made him think less of the one who’d been rude, not of me.

Isn’t it funny that someone can mistreat us, and our conclusion is that we are unworthy, rather than that the person was a dick?  And it dawned on me that THIS is bullying. This is how it works. I spent my early days of puberty being chased around my elementary school by girls in the grade above me because their boyfriends had found my number (I’m assuming in the phone book) and been calling me to flirt.  The mean girls would spit in a circle and push me into it. They would chase me and call me names. The girls in my grade had asked me to join to “popular” crowd and I said no because they wouldn’t also take my best girlfriend, and then they brought her on and she ditched me. I was full on bullied.  I was mistreated. But you know what? I didn’t walk away from that situation thinking I was great. I knew I’d done the right thing in standing with my “friend” but I didn’t feel good about myself. I felt full of shame. I felt NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I felt fearful of highschool. I felt like an outcast.  I went from a straight A student, to the kid with purple hair smoking cigarettes out back the school.

This is how I felt when I arrived home after going out to support this person.  I felt small. I felt sad and wounded. I felt like I was bad. My wonderful friend said to me, “I will never think less of you for something someone else does” and these may have been the best words any of us could say.  If you see someone has been bullied, say this. MEAN this. Other people’s behaviours are not a reflection of me.

“At the end of the day people won’t remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.”  -Maya Angelou

February 27th was anti-bullying day.  Please, when you put words or actions out into the world, consider the wise filters; are they kind, are they true, are the necessary.  Remember that it might take an extra minute to be kind, but it could be the difference between a manageable and unmanageable day for the person you took that minute for.

by admin