Category: gratitude

On Fiction

I’ve decided that this week I’m going to give a little hodge podge of information culminating in a raving author review. Partly because it’s most authentic to me at this moment, but also partly because it is the state of my focus as I’ve either been fighting a cold, or living with allergies this whole past week.

SO, first on the docket. This past Monday my sweet little fur baby succumbed to pats. I thought I felt, or heard, the slightest resemblance of a purr as I gave him tentative pats while feeding him. Turned out I was right and he started head butting me for more. It quickly turned into a cuddle session with what seemed like an entirely different cat. He rolled around, snuggled up on me and nestled into my arms. Since that moment, we have had daily snuggles, his purrs have gotten stronger and louder, and his startle response is some what subdued. He still sometimes hisses, and runs away if I try to pat him any time outside of hand feeding, but the progress is undeniable and exciting.

Sweet Yuri’s little paws!

Second, I’d like to acknowledge my upcoming departure for New York City. I leave at 4am on Thursday and arrive in NYC around 4pm. My wonderful beau and his colleague are going to pick me up and wisk me away to Peekskill, a town about an hour north of Manhattan. Our time is already jam packed with adventures and I know it’ll be an exciting time. I don’t tend to get very excited until I land wherever I’m going, but I AM excited to see Bryan. It’s been about a month since he stopped through Nanaimo, and I miss his sweetness!

I am used to being a solo traveller so I’m both excited and nervous to have a companion. I know I’ll struggle a bit with control, as I have such a short time in such a overwhelming place, and I want to make sure I enjoy it fully and see what I wish to see. But I’m also excited to be safe, to have someone to share it with, and to have built in connections in the area when I land. And the more we discuss things, the more I see we’re on the same page so I expect that all will be well, and plan to share all about it on here over the next two weekends! Stay tuned!

Last, I just want to share with you an author who has consumed my reading life over the last couple months. It was recommended by one of my mentors that I read The Lonely Hearts Hotel by Heather O’Neill. I devoured it and shortly after found 2 of her other novels, The Girl Who Was Saturday Night, and Lullabies for Little Criminals. I have since read all three and I can’t get enough of this author. (She’s Canadian to boot!) I warn you, she is very dark and twisty. The subject matter is not light. However, her characters are so unique and loveable. Her use of simile and metaphor is playful and childlike. Her use of language is fantastical and startling. I never tire of her style and am easily absorbed. I do require a break from the intensity of subject matter though, especially after reading all three with only a bit of interference from some equally heavy non fiction, but if you’re looking for great works, I recommend whole heartedly checking out Heather O’Neill.

That’s it for this week, folks. I hope to have a more interesting series of photos and reflections to share next week once the pre trip frenzy settles and I’m into exploring the big Apple! ’til then.

*(Links are to help with easy purchase!)*

by admin

Reflections from Denman Island.

Please forgive my post being a day late. I was in retreat on Denman Island until yesterday morning and was not quite ready to turn on my phone and computer and jump back into my outward commitments.

I would like to take just a moment to bring awareness to The Hermitage Retreat Center, if it’s not already familiar. This is a beautiful Buddhist space set on a large piece of property on one of the small Islands (Denman) surrounding Vancouver island. You take a small cable ferry from Campbell River and drive a few minutes on the main road to arrive at this divine abode. Throughout the year there are many retreats offered, of varying lengths and topics.

This center was created by beings who wished for other beings to have a safe, quiet, beautiful space to meditate and contemplate. A space to explore and nurture the nature of reality and the human experience. I recently learned that up until a few years ago it was entirely free of charge to attend. Room and board were covered by generous donations and teachings were, and still are, offered freely. Now there is a minimal charge which only just covers the necessary operating costs.

The Temple bell (image from thehermitage.ca) Whenever we are within 5-10 minutes of the start time of a group sit, this is rung to gather us.

I want to share just a little bit about my experience. People hear the word “retreat” and imagine spa days, massage, quietude and mocktails, but the reality is quite different. I don’t often share a lot about my time in retreat because each individual experience is unique and I don’t want my version of what it was to deter anyone from continuing on, or starting on the path. So I will only share a little and allow you to explore The hermitage (link above) and see if there is anything that draws you to visit it yourself.

So, I’ve been practicing for many years now. I was blessed to find my way to Dharma practitioner and Psychologist Dr. Cheryl Fraser. Cheryl is based out of Maple Bay, near Duncan on Vancouver Island. She has been practicing for more than 20 years and has a knack for applying these eastern spiritual practices effectively and efficiently into the Western mind. One of her root teachers, Lama Mark Webber, is of like science mind and resides on Galiano Island. Another amazing source from which I’ve had the pleasure of absorbing teachings.

This retreat was run by Dr. Cheryl and her colleague, Shelane, who is also a long time Dharma Practitioner and psycho-therapist based out of Toronto. We explored some of the motherly, nurturing aspects of our beings and spent our days working with a variety of practices to aid us in calming our minds and realizing our nature that resides beneath the busy-ness of mind.

The lotus is a common symbol used in meditation and has a variety of meanings, including representation of the entirety of the teachings of the Buddha, or awakened being.

I think that is all that I will offer of the teachings and will instead focus on my personal experience. I spent a lot of time sitting on my cushion observing the stories of my mind and the emotions they inflicted; guilt, grief, content, bliss, and on and on. And while not always pleasant, and definitely not always easy, the experience overall has left me inspired, connected, rejuvenated and excited to carry on.

I could go on and on for far more than I am sure most would like to read, so I will share one of my most profound experiences. At one point, with one of our guided explorations, I felt a surge of energy that required physical expression. For this being, one who often has the stories of tiredness and lethargy, this was unique and powerful. I found a spot in an empty clearing and was brought to tears by the necessity to move, to flail and skip and play, like a child with abandon. I came home to spend time with my family for mothers day, and the light and beauty I often see within my nephew was bright and alive like never before.

This was captured in Lumbini, Nepal. The birthplace of the Buddha. Prayer flags are set up with their prayers being carried by the wind to all sentient beings around the world.

I will leave you with the knowing that I continue to go on retreat, I continue to reside in spiritual centers exploring movement and mind and I plan to continue for as long as my being allows. It’s not always easy. Sometimes I weep at the state of the world, the animal or reptilian brain that other sentient beings live almost entirely in, and I experience the aches and pains of purifying. But, the profound, visceral, entirely pure moments of joy, love, bliss (in all it’s forms) continues to lure me into retreat.

Forgive me for a potentially fumble-y expression. My mind is slowly arriving back into the world of words and actions. I hope you feel drawn to explore the Hermitage or other centers. May you be well, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering. And may all beings be free from suffering.

by admin

On the Calgary roadside.

I’m sitting on the edge of a planter set in the center of a Calgary sidewalk.  My feet are dangling and I’m nearly breaking a sweat from the sun beams defrosting the last bits of winter.  It’s that time of year when you still wear all your wool because there are patches of ice and snow about, but you’re always left delayering once the afternoon clouds part and the Spring sun peaks through.  I’m happily waiting for a bus (that comes every 15 minutes, a real difference from my home base where they seem to run once every hour!) I fill some of the time shooting a couple of texts off to my bestie, but mostly i’m basking in my overwhelming gratitude.

You ever have one of those moments where all of a sudden you can see everything clearly, devoid of worry and fear?  Where you just see how blessed you are? As I sat in the sun, I had this moment. The anxiety of whether or not to move to Calgary was gone and I just felt excited at the opportunity to live somewhere new.  My worry of finances for a trip to New York City was replaced with gratitude and happy visions of roaming the summer streets and picnics in central Park. My fear of being alone with myself on retreat as my birthday gift to myself was replaced with excitement and curiousity to get still and explore.

    Suddenly I realize the people I had admired when I was younger, the ones that lived between cities and posted photos of all their travel adventures, I had become one of them.  It isn’t easy always, I’m never flush and there are some less than ideal circumstances that allow it, but I can see past the stress for a moment and purely enjoy the fact I’m living a life I’d envied.

The unfortunate part of this moment was that it occured to me that the next day or next month, my depression could take hold of me and erase this glimpse of truth with negative and detrimental thought patterns.  The ones that tell me I’m a victim, that I’m being forced to spend money going to Calgary and New York to sustain my relationship. The scarcity messages that tell me I’ll never have enough money if I keep going on trips and doing the things that have brought my so much gratitude.  The thought that I SHOULD be doing this that or the other thing, not whatever it is I’ve chosen to do. You get the idea. If you struggle with mental health issues, It’s likely you know this intimately. Feeling like you’re being taken hostage by your own flippant brain.

However, I did something different in this moment.  I noticed the doom brain saying “your depression is going to ruin this” and decided that, in this instant, I’d really feel the excitement and gratitude instead of letting the fear damper my moment.  I don’t know yet if the efforts will be helpful, though I imagine it’s like the Cherokee story of feeding the good wolf, that giving more power to the positive will help it thrive.* But I will tell you one thing I know for sure, by reveling in that moment, I’ve found a strength that I can connect to and write about clearly more than a week later, and that, my friend, is worth A LOT.

What do you do to take away the power of your negative thought cycles?

*An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

by admin

Spring Clean

I love this time of year, not only for the more persistent sun, the warmer temperatures and the sprinkling of colour that presents itself as the flowers are revitalized.  I also love it for the energy it brings. The feeling that I’ve been inside amidst my piles of books long enough, it’s time to shift, rearrange, toss and reorganize. I am an organizer by nature (though you’d maybe never know it by looking at my house- you’ve heard of organized chaos?)  I get all nerdy excited when i get to play tetris with real life objects. I was stoked to be able to make little sections and alphabetize the little write ups for products at work, like ‘best morning ever’ stoked.

Anyways, at this time of year, I’m normal!  Everybody gets in this mode more naturally. It’s like the sun calls to us to clear out our clutter to let more warm, cascading light fill our spaces.  Our winter woolies get tucked away to make room for flowy, colourful fabrics. We’re more bold, or try to be, with letting go of things we’ve been holding onto like that desk that’s been used for nothing but storage and that chair that’s been serving as a coat rack.  We are lured to the multi-coloured storage bins and closet organizers. We are even encouraged by the city to leave our normally unaccepted items on the side of the road. Ah, Spring cleaning is upon us.

Gretchen Rubin, in The Happiness Project, talks about getting rid of clutter.  Marie Kondo’s The Life-changing Magic of Tidying up became so popular she’s since attained a Netflix series.  Rubin says that a clean space leaves her feeling less bogged down and with more energy to continue on with her other commitments on her path to happiness.  Rubin mentions the lack of decluttering discussed historically (I would speculate that this concept now being explored in depth, was not in need before consumerism became what it is today) but the benefits are undeniable and seemingly uncontested in positive psychology today.  A tool to make for a happier life.

So, where do we start?  If you’re like me, you’re thinking “I’m inspired!  I only want to have 3 pairs of pants in my closet! I mostly wear leggings anyways, this will be easy!”  You go to your closet, you pull out your 20 pairs of pants (I’m exaggerating, books are my issue, not pants) and think ‘well, i can’t get rid of this pair, they make my butt look good…  Not this pair either, this pair MAKES that outfit I wore that one time…’ etc. until you’ve justified every pair in there and walked away defeated.

I’ll be honest, I struggle with this so I don’t have a whole ton of insight to share but I’ve found a few good ones that I’m going to share here and perhaps you can share with me the tricks you’ve found and together we can work to get rid of some of our clutter.

BABY STEPS

I know this to be true.  If I think of all I have to do, i get OVERWHELMED.  When I’m overwhelmed, I am no longer a functioning human being.  I become immobilized so this is the top of the list intentionally.

What does this mean exactly?  Let’s say you are currently looking at your space and thinking I have to dust, vacuum, scrub the floors, do the laundry, take out the trash and recycling, etc.  We all know this list. Instead of getting overwhelmed and laying down (my go to!) just do one thing. Maybe, like me, you don’t mind sweeping. So you do that one thing.  Maybe that one thing gives you energy to do some other thing, or maybe not, but at least you did ONE thing. I’m not going to lie, typing this post up today was my one thing.  Yet to be discovered if it inspires something else or not.

Gretchen Rubin’s one-minute rule

Brilliant lady.  If you can do it in under one minute, just do it.  I can drop my sweater on the chair or I can take one minute to hang it up and have somewhere nice to sit and reflect on how easy it was!  

Pick one thing to toss

Go back to the pant situation.  You’re staring at your twenty pairs of pants thinking you need them all, justifying all the reasons the too tight, too short pants are worth keeping.  Just choose ONE pair to toss. Yes, it’ll be a slow process, but like with the baby steps, you did something. And one of every clothing item is not a terrible dent to have made.

These are just a few ideas, and a few resources to draw from to get you on your way. I’d love to hear your tips and tricks too! Feel free to contact me and share. Enjoy your journey in making space for a new year of new adventures and shifts. It’s not until we let go of the old, that we can make space for the new.

by admin

The key to perspective shifts.

I gotta tell ya, as someone who struggles with falling fairly easily into depressive thinking, I kind of hate those people that say things like, “you just have to change what you think.” The idea of being able to choose how you feel, that the darkness I often feel encompassing me is then of my own doing, is frustrating. In fact, this perspective often leaves me feeling as though there is even more wrong with me because I can’t see the other option in the thick of my wounds. But I do know one thing that helps, and that is Gratitude.

In low points where I’ve felt the ground being pulled out from under me, I’ve reached for the gratitude pad (paper where I write out a gratitude list.) Sometimes I’ve posted 3 things a day on social media for a certain number of days with an announcement of my intention to hold me accountable to take the time each day. Sometimes it starts with simple things and without a lot of feeling behind them. Like a sarcastic “at least I got out of bed” or something, but it gets the ball rolling. Usually by the middle of whatever period I’ve allotted myself, I’m grateful for subtle things like the way the wind moves blades of grass. By the end I’m often grateful for whatever shit thing that got me making this gratitude list in the first place because otherwise I wouldn’t be so grateful! You get the idea.

This Sunday I’m feeling an unbridled sense of gratitude. I was really busy this past week. For fellow moon trackers, it was a dark moon leading to the new moon on April 5th, generally a time I feel internal, introverted and in need of extra rest. However, rather than scheduling accordingly, which I often do, I overloaded myself. Feeling a sense of financial fear as I approach an unexpected trip to NYC, I took on extra shifts. I also started two passion projects recently that I was bringing forward to students for the first time over the weekend. On top of the physical exertion that was already beyond my norm, I also felt a mix of wavering emotions as my preparation made its way to presentation. And, to boot, there were several social engagements that it meant a lot to me to show up for.

As you might imagine, I was feeling tired. Deeply tired. All week. I felt a bit like I was dragging my feet to show up. But I made it through everything and now, early afternoon on Sunday, I get to stop. I’ve had a shower, I’m writing to you (my dear friends) and then I’m resting. The knowledge that tomorrow and Tuesday are interspersed with only a few errands and appointments got me through my final push, and I couldn’t be more grateful with where my efforts this week got me.

I made it. I showed up to almost everything I had intended to. I pushed myself to work at home after work. I took the spare moments to prepare myself and take care of myself to be able to show up in a way that wasn’t just physical but also intentional and meaningful. I maneuvered a wide breadth of emotions without letting any of them engulf me or take me too far off my path. My stubborn Taurus bull kept me focused and strong. I was able to facilitate two things that have been long term goals of mine and feel as though my enthusiasm was felt in my audience as well. I struggled for sure, I felt like I might not quite make it, but I did it and I did it in a way I feel proud of.

Sometimes it’s hard to find gratitude, and other times it’s abundance is overwhelming. In times when it overflows, absorb it. Let yourself feel it. Let your body be ingrained with it. So that maybe, when you struggle to find it, a few simple attempts to fake it, can remind you of the deep well within you and pull you out of the dark and into the wealth of light.

I wish you a restful Sunday. And I hope that you take some moments to find your gratitude.

by admin