Category: Mental health

Out of sync.

The last two years I’ve been enrolled in a online education group called Thirteen Moons. The teacher is a wonderful woman I’ve likely mentioned before named Natalie Rousseau. The course looks at our connection to the lunar and seasonal cycles and explores practices to help tune in to, and align with the universal energies at play. This piece isn’t about that. But I mention it as a pre cursor because according to everything I’ve been learning the past couple years, January is a time when we’re meant to slow down. Evolutionarily we’d be hunkering down, staying warm, resting with nature under extreme weather.

I’m assuming all the people who read this are likely hanging out on the wet coast (not a typo) and thinking, “rest!? I’ve got two jobs to be able to afford my tiny apartment that I’m raising 6 kids out of!” Or whatever variation of that that fits your current situation. Our society is structured in such a way that we are expected to operate at optimal speed and without break 365 days per year. Oh, wait, some places still close Christmas, don’t they? So, 364 days per year. Pardon me.

I could go on a tangent about how ridiculous our society is (and actually did-but deleted it) but instead I’m going to say what I came here to say! The last couple years I’ve been fortunate to have space to rest. I hunkered down, embraced the dark, read many books, accepted longer hours of sleep. I felt better off for it too. Better able to greet the Spring and Summer energy to boot.

This year, I’ve been all over the map. Literally and metaphorically. Previous January’s spent reading and resting, with feet up the wall and 7pm bed times, made way for new work, new city, new heartache, and new education journey. Rather than snuggling up with my cat in the comfort of my home after a long, hot bath, I was living out of a hostel, fumbling around in the dark morning and night, before and after training or work, trying not to disturb the 5 other people sharing my space. When met with a foot of snow, I didn’t get to take a snow day and watch my nephew play, I instead had to wander around on foot in city traffic for groceries.

I don’t much mean this to sound like I’m complaining. (Except for the heartache. That part sucks.) I think I mean this more as an acknowledgement of myself, and all of you, for doing what is not natural. For keeping up with all that is required of us even when our bodies and minds are tired and in need of rest. For continuing to put one foot in front of the other, for continuing to show up in the places we’re committed to be.

If you’re struggling to get out of bed today, if you feel too overwhelmed and you let something go (even something you think is good for you! Like your morning run) view that as self care. As a deep understanding that this isn’t how we’re meant to live. And some days taking the extra hour in bed will serve you more than pushing through yet another thing that asks you for energy you don’t necessarily hold in these dark, cold months. I feel like a hypocrite even saying this, because I know and struggle often with how hard it can be, but be gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best you can.

by admin

A jumbled reflection

I’m going to attempt to write despite feeling like a swirling mess.  I want to write about relationships, but I’m not quite ready to share all of what I’m processing to the public.  So while my head is there, I’m going to attempt to put out something else. 

I’m approaching my 8 years of sobriety.  I remember that most years I feel a bit discombobulated despite the fact that I don’t even notice it’s happening, sometimes until the very day I’ve claimed as my sobriety date (though I think it was closer to the beginning of the month than the end but I never intended to stop indefinitely so I didn’t keep track.)  Anyways, it’s a full moon today as well, and whether or not you believe that means anything, I’ve been tracking it for a couple years and it definitely means something for me.  It’s also the month of my sobriety date.  And, to boot, I’m going through some new emotional processing that I haven’t dealt with in a while.  Without the aid of medication (that I’d been on for several years.)

So, I’m attempting to maneuver a busy schedule amidst some strong emotion.  I’ve started yoga teacher training and a living in a hostel for a couple weeks.  I’m also starting orientation for a new job at a treatment center in this time.  Well both are potentially exciting, what I really feel is overwhelm and, possibly even resentment.  I want to be at home in bed with my kitty.  I want to be in the presence of my family and friends.  I want to have space to sleep the day away instead of having to share a room with 6 strangers and move my car at 8am.  I’m not doing things gracefully and have resorted to some old behaviour I don’t love. 

I’m trying to access some self compassion.  I’m trying to focus on the fact that despite the struggle, I’m showing up. I’m trying to remind myself of the things that will help me through it.  I’m trying to focus while in class, let it pull me from my head.  I’m trying to be patient and take it moment by moment.  I’m trying to write everything out so it’s not stuck swirling in my head.  However, I’m still not grounded, I’d estimate at least 70% of the time. 

The training I’m doing is for helping people with trauma and mental health issues so I’m definitely in the right place.  Last night, for our first class, we practiced self empowered yoga, studied client centered therapy, and practiced CBT exercises.  How much more could I ask for really?  However, despite feeling that I’m doing the majority of the “right” things in the “right” place, I’m struggling.

So, I guess the solution might be to accept it.  Roll with it.  Wait for it to shift because it HAS to.  Keep showing up best I can and hope that I can have compassion if I have to let something go.  The “3 A’s” theory has continued to pop up in my life in the last week.  Awareness, acceptance, action.  I’m aware of my state, and I’m trying to move myself out of it. I’m not taking a lot of time to even attempt to accept it.  I listened to a great podcast the other day.  It was about how the solution is to not need a solution.  That if something someone does works for them, we don’t need to fix it because it isn’t “normal” or understandable or comfortable for us.  Most of western psychology operates from the belief that there are undesirable qualities or traits we possess that we need to eradicate.  What if instead we operated from the Buddhist perspective.  That we are all limitless, perfect light and the qualities and traits that lead to suffering are clouds passing over a bright blue, sun filled sky.  If I could believe that I’m whole and that these “struggles” are  merely passing falsities, perhaps I could live in the big picture, access more self compassion, and really believe that these unskillful behaviours don’t make me what I am.  While these topics have been coming up regularly, it’s been me sharing with friends in similar struggles, not me telling it to myself.  Today I’ll practice embodying it and hope that it carries me through a little more light.

by admin

The Holiday Post

I want to get a post out before the season has completely passed us by. I love this time of year. I like the lights and the trees indoors. I enjoy the gatherings and the food. I look forward to hunkering down with my family for a couple days to eat, walk and rest. And while I mostly can’t sit through an entire movie, I’m even a suck for Christmas flicks, though 99% of them are cheesy romances that leave me in tears.

This year was particularly special for a few reasons. One was that my nephew is of an age where he’s actively wanting to participate in all the traditional things like gingerbread houses, tree hunting and decorating, even making and wrapping gifts! Another is that I happened upon a lot of time off to enjoy these things with him. My whole family (minus my ma) went to cut down trees at the tree farm. My nephew and I built the most gaudy gingerbread house I’ve ever seen. I got to go shed tears while I watched my nephew sing in his Christmas concert and I had him over and helped him assemble a bracelet for himself and his dad.

Another joy of this year was that I didn’t shop much. I opted to give little. Partly because I had all this time off to do the fun things, because I was not making the money… But also, partly because it’s not really what it’s about and it’s often a stressful addition. I even made one of my moms gifts, something that I love to do, but haven’t had the time for the last few years. (It was a travel case for carrying her paintbrushes to her art classes, if you’re wondering.)

With all this time off, I also managed other things I may not have otherwise. I was energetically able to attend gatherings I likely wouldn’t have prioritized if I were working full time. Not because I don’t like to attend, but because energy management is a real thing for me. Anyways, I made it to the potluck at the place I volunteer and had a lovely meal and meaningful conversation with other counselors. I made it to a potluck with my sister circle, and enjoyed time around a tree with some great women that have contributed to my healing in the past year in unique ways. I was able to go connect with some of my sangha over food and drink, rather than in silence. Although, I even managed to slip into a weekend silent retreat for a few days amongst it all!

Normally I’m wrapped up in Christmas markets, but this year I decided to only do two and they fell on the same weekend. I still got to participate in the vendor experience, that has it’s highs and lows but that I ultimately quite enjoy, but I didn’t have to slave away or exhaust myself. While grateful for the funds they provided me with, again it was more about the enjoyment of connecting with other vendors, supporting locals, and of course, swapping goodies!

I feel like I could go on, I’m that grateful this season, but I’ll wrap it up with one last lovely adventure. We used to drive around as a kid and count the houses with lights. Every year I wish to do things like carriage rides through downtown Victoria, the Ladysmith light up, or Butchart gardens. Every year, I suppose I’m too busy, or tired, or bogged down to get my butt there. This year, a lovely human I’ve connected with, took me to Butchart. We wandered around all the beautiful lights both before dark and after. While I TOTALLY missed the point until quite a ways through (I thought, hmm that’s weird, why are there chickens eating pastries by the Eiffel tower?- It wasn’t until we got to what I found the weirdest of them all, a bunch of ghostly looking women surrounding a cow, that I realized they were the 3 French hens and the 8 maids a milking…) I found it absolutely beautiful. (I did also drive through Ladysmith a few times to get my fill during my various trips down island.)

With so much free time, I also decided to search out volunteer opportunities. I connected with the Salvation Army and signed up to bring meals to the elderly who are otherwise spending Christmas entirely alone. I ended up falling ill and being unable to deliver, but was presented with a different opportunity to feed the homeless on the 27th when I was feeling a little better. Every year I fantasize about hosting an assembly sandwich making afternoon and delivering but I’ve never known how to go about it or what hoops to jump through. This year, the opportunity fell into my lap (and someone else dealt with the police and bylaw officers to boot!) and, while I was sad to not be able to help out at the Salvation Army, I’m grateful to have made it out yesterday.

Anyways, I wanted to share all this because I’m happy I suppose. It was a nice holiday season full of what I believe it to be meant for. As we approach New Years Eve, I’m delving into two new jobs, wrapping up my current one, volunteering and preparing to venture to Victoria for yoga teacher training. The calm and quiet is making way for an overabundance of development, but you know what? I feel prepared, and even excited, to roll with it.

I know that not everyone has this kind of experience over the holidays. I know a LOT of people are overworked. I know a lot of people are around family that they mostly can’t stand, I know a lot of sober people fight to be around the party and I know a few people who got particularly heavy news. I know some people are alone and some people are on the streets. I know that not everyone is nice, not everyone has warm experiences of Christmas. And I’ve had those years too. However, which ever way this season is landing for you, I hope you can find moments of rest. I hope you can find moments of stillness in nature. I hope you can find some light in the darkest days of the year. I wish you a Merry Christmas. And a very happy new year.

by admin

Learn to RUN, for the second time.

Many years ago, around when I first began my degree at Vancouver Island University, I joined a running group. I think it was around $10 and met maybe once or twice per week. It went for a while, maybe a whole semester, and the goal was to use a walk/run program to be able to run for around 30 minutes straight.

I participated, enjoyed it, and even kept running for a while afterwards. At the time, I believe I didn’t have my license, and so I spent a lot of time walking or running around Westwood Lake. I was both fortunate and unfortunate that the only thing in walking distance was the lake…

Anyways, at some point, I don’t remember when or why, I stopped. I left it all behind and slowly, over many years that end now, I became almost completely inactive. I don’t know that I would care so much except that I really want to be able to learn. I choose to fill my mornings with reading and writing, I spend a lot of my free time listening to podcasts and practicing French on duolingo. However, I find that I often have a fairly dull mind. I have trouble remembering what I’ve read or reiterating what I do remember in an effective way.

At some point I learned (and it DID stick) that exercise helps with brain function. Your surprised, right!? SO, in January, around the time that I decided I wanted to commit to writing every day and writing the blog your currently reading, I also decided I needed to incorporate some exercise. I looked around at gyms, I looked up an old target toning video I used to use, I found exercises you could do in your desk at work. I tried to figure out what was realistic for me in terms of time, cost and effort but despite my efforts I have yet to find anything that has stuck for more than a few days or weeks.

A while back I did a yin yoga teacher training and met this amazing personal trainer and, get this, run coach. You can see where this is going already, I’m sure, so I’ll leave out everything leading up to the fact that last week I started a learn to run clinic. I’ve since done one group run, one homework run, and am an hour out from meeting a new friend to complete my final homework run before this weeks group meeting. I feel really great when I’m running and the whole day afterwards. Energized, happy, proud.

This blog has been an accountability buddy of sorts. I didn’t feel like writing today, and feel like this post might not really say much at all, but because I told myself I’d do this, I’m doing it. And so I’m hoping that by telling you all, and by putting it into words for myself, that maybe I’ll be able to keep myself accountable to my runs too. I tend to fluctuate between “it’s too hard, how am I going to do it?” and “I feel better now, I don’t have to keep doing it.” So I know moving forward it’s going to be a bit of a struggle, but I’m excited to be doing something to take care of myself. Hopefully I’ll also make my brain stronger in order to bring the wide breadth of knowledge I hold skillfully to others.

by admin

Confidence

In the last few weeks I’ve been reflecting a lot on confidence.  Confidence is defined as “a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.”  How wonderful that is, right?  I admire those who shine with it, and I’ve even often been told I appear to have it.  But the reality is, my lack of confidence has impacted my life on the daily for as long as I can remember.

I am one who has the “not good enough” message.  The belief somewhere in my core that no matter what, I’m just not good enough.  I first recognized this in myself when I started to rebel against beauty standards.  I had some version of ‘I’m not pretty enough” contaminating my mind, and so I ditched anything girly or vain and instead opted for sweats and chopped purple hair.  I decided that I wanted to be appreciated for things like how intelligent or interesting I was instead of how thin and beautiful, as I didn’t think I had a chance in that department anyways. 

So, then I developed my repertoire of experience and education.  I explored the unusual and developed a pretty subversive, and I believe, interesting set of lenses through which I viewed the world and its inhabitants.  But when I started to connect with people only through intimacy, I realized that maybe the intelligence and unique-ness I perceived to be valuable, was again not “good enough.”  Of course, this was more a reflection of the people I let into my life, and the connections made through alcohol and dim lights, but I internalized it as a confirmation of not being good enough.

So now I’m not pretty enough, or smart enough, or good enough in any way that I can see.  So, I’m depressed, as you might imagine.  Because sometimes my depression means I drink too much, or I can’t get out of bed, or I make a series of choices that leave me between a rock and a hard place, I’m then perceiving myself to not even be a valuable human.  I figure I can’t function in the world, so I shouldn’t be part of it.  Depression turns to suicidal.

I spent many years here.  Not exclusively, but in and out.  Often in relation to others, not valuing my own perception of myself, or even that of those that love me.  Just taking in the behaviours and comments that affirmed my already failing view of myself.  “I’m just not good enough.”

I’d say I started to heal this somewhere amid my university degree.  I started to explore how I existed in the world and to define my values and choose my actions carefully.  I met people doing amazing things that were both counter to the individualistic, materialistic, consumeristic culture of the west, but also helpful and full of potential.  I started to see positive change and how I could contribute to it.  I left behind mind altering substances and started to heal even more.  I delved into meditation groups and deeper self exploration.  I started to introduce travel and spiritual training in parts of the world that called to me.  I took it one step further, and started to work in mental health and to teach yoga.

And, despite around 400 hours of teacher trainings, I still walk into a yoga class, set up my mat at the front of the room, and think “I’m not good enough.”  Despite 5 years of University and hours of training both through continuing education with the University and with the organization I volunteer with, I was overwhelmed with “not good enough” when I went to meet my first client, so much so that I needed a counseling session with one of my supervisors before walking into a room.  And I’m sick of it.  I’m sick of it always taking up space in my brain.  I’m sick of it standing between me and the things I love.  I’m sick of it tying up my tongue or keeping me in bed.  And so, in the last few weeks, I’ve been really looking for guidance.  I’ve been asking myself in stillness, I’ve been asking my tarot cards and my peers, where will my confidence come from?  How can I develop it?  Cultivate and hold onto it? 

Today, while I was doing my morning journaling, I realized that one tool I have in my belt is looking at the whole picture.  This is something I struggle with.  I really value living in the moment.  In fact, the process of learning to do so is what I attribute to any sense of stillness or peace I’ve acquired in my life.  I pride myself on the moments I can be so engrossed with whatever is happening, I don’t think about anything else.  I believe it helps me be a good listener and to connect deeper with people, which is integral in my personal and professional life.  However, I often get suck in the moment of my feelings too and lose track of the big picture. 

I’m in the process of creating a personal statement for an application to a program I really want in to.  I have to answer a variety of questions including things like what I’d bring to the program and what it is I hope to develop in my time there.  I had to write about any relevant experience and where I hoped that my efforts would bring me.  As I thought about and attempted to articulate my answers, I realized that I have some amazing experience under my belt.  I’ve completed a fairly decent amount of various types of training as well.  I have a university degree, I’ve worked many interesting jobs, I have travelled to places like India, Nepal, Indonesia, and Europe.  I’ve travelled alone and for many months.  I’ve completed trainings in different parts of the world, including staying in Ashrams and Monasteries.  I’ve managed to maintain some great relationships and I’ve developed a closeness with my family that I aspired to most of all.  I continue to grow and expand and learn.  And it’s all despite my internal mental battle.  I need to remember this.

It would benefit me to realize that despite my brain essentially trying to kill me, I’ve continued to push through.  Even though when I’m sad I feel like I’ve never seen light, its important that I attempt to see that despite this, I’ve found light.  I’ve even fought for it.  When I feel like I don’t know anything, I will look to my many certificates that say otherwise.  I have done so much DESPITE MY depression.  That is a fucking miracle.  My confidence lies in REALIZING this.  Not just cognitively, but in the core of my being.  Where that “you’re not good enough” message is, it needs to find its way in there and blow that old voice to pieces.  Because I’m a shiny, wonderful, human with lot’s to learn, but also lot’s to offer.  And I’m sick of acting like, and believing that’s not true.

by admin

Reflections from Denman Island.

Please forgive my post being a day late. I was in retreat on Denman Island until yesterday morning and was not quite ready to turn on my phone and computer and jump back into my outward commitments.

I would like to take just a moment to bring awareness to The Hermitage Retreat Center, if it’s not already familiar. This is a beautiful Buddhist space set on a large piece of property on one of the small Islands (Denman) surrounding Vancouver island. You take a small cable ferry from Campbell River and drive a few minutes on the main road to arrive at this divine abode. Throughout the year there are many retreats offered, of varying lengths and topics.

This center was created by beings who wished for other beings to have a safe, quiet, beautiful space to meditate and contemplate. A space to explore and nurture the nature of reality and the human experience. I recently learned that up until a few years ago it was entirely free of charge to attend. Room and board were covered by generous donations and teachings were, and still are, offered freely. Now there is a minimal charge which only just covers the necessary operating costs.

The Temple bell (image from thehermitage.ca) Whenever we are within 5-10 minutes of the start time of a group sit, this is rung to gather us.

I want to share just a little bit about my experience. People hear the word “retreat” and imagine spa days, massage, quietude and mocktails, but the reality is quite different. I don’t often share a lot about my time in retreat because each individual experience is unique and I don’t want my version of what it was to deter anyone from continuing on, or starting on the path. So I will only share a little and allow you to explore The hermitage (link above) and see if there is anything that draws you to visit it yourself.

So, I’ve been practicing for many years now. I was blessed to find my way to Dharma practitioner and Psychologist Dr. Cheryl Fraser. Cheryl is based out of Maple Bay, near Duncan on Vancouver Island. She has been practicing for more than 20 years and has a knack for applying these eastern spiritual practices effectively and efficiently into the Western mind. One of her root teachers, Lama Mark Webber, is of like science mind and resides on Galiano Island. Another amazing source from which I’ve had the pleasure of absorbing teachings.

This retreat was run by Dr. Cheryl and her colleague, Shelane, who is also a long time Dharma Practitioner and psycho-therapist based out of Toronto. We explored some of the motherly, nurturing aspects of our beings and spent our days working with a variety of practices to aid us in calming our minds and realizing our nature that resides beneath the busy-ness of mind.

The lotus is a common symbol used in meditation and has a variety of meanings, including representation of the entirety of the teachings of the Buddha, or awakened being.

I think that is all that I will offer of the teachings and will instead focus on my personal experience. I spent a lot of time sitting on my cushion observing the stories of my mind and the emotions they inflicted; guilt, grief, content, bliss, and on and on. And while not always pleasant, and definitely not always easy, the experience overall has left me inspired, connected, rejuvenated and excited to carry on.

I could go on and on for far more than I am sure most would like to read, so I will share one of my most profound experiences. At one point, with one of our guided explorations, I felt a surge of energy that required physical expression. For this being, one who often has the stories of tiredness and lethargy, this was unique and powerful. I found a spot in an empty clearing and was brought to tears by the necessity to move, to flail and skip and play, like a child with abandon. I came home to spend time with my family for mothers day, and the light and beauty I often see within my nephew was bright and alive like never before.

This was captured in Lumbini, Nepal. The birthplace of the Buddha. Prayer flags are set up with their prayers being carried by the wind to all sentient beings around the world.

I will leave you with the knowing that I continue to go on retreat, I continue to reside in spiritual centers exploring movement and mind and I plan to continue for as long as my being allows. It’s not always easy. Sometimes I weep at the state of the world, the animal or reptilian brain that other sentient beings live almost entirely in, and I experience the aches and pains of purifying. But, the profound, visceral, entirely pure moments of joy, love, bliss (in all it’s forms) continues to lure me into retreat.

Forgive me for a potentially fumble-y expression. My mind is slowly arriving back into the world of words and actions. I hope you feel drawn to explore the Hermitage or other centers. May you be well, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering. And may all beings be free from suffering.

by admin

On the Calgary roadside.

I’m sitting on the edge of a planter set in the center of a Calgary sidewalk.  My feet are dangling and I’m nearly breaking a sweat from the sun beams defrosting the last bits of winter.  It’s that time of year when you still wear all your wool because there are patches of ice and snow about, but you’re always left delayering once the afternoon clouds part and the Spring sun peaks through.  I’m happily waiting for a bus (that comes every 15 minutes, a real difference from my home base where they seem to run once every hour!) I fill some of the time shooting a couple of texts off to my bestie, but mostly i’m basking in my overwhelming gratitude.

You ever have one of those moments where all of a sudden you can see everything clearly, devoid of worry and fear?  Where you just see how blessed you are? As I sat in the sun, I had this moment. The anxiety of whether or not to move to Calgary was gone and I just felt excited at the opportunity to live somewhere new.  My worry of finances for a trip to New York City was replaced with gratitude and happy visions of roaming the summer streets and picnics in central Park. My fear of being alone with myself on retreat as my birthday gift to myself was replaced with excitement and curiousity to get still and explore.

    Suddenly I realize the people I had admired when I was younger, the ones that lived between cities and posted photos of all their travel adventures, I had become one of them.  It isn’t easy always, I’m never flush and there are some less than ideal circumstances that allow it, but I can see past the stress for a moment and purely enjoy the fact I’m living a life I’d envied.

The unfortunate part of this moment was that it occured to me that the next day or next month, my depression could take hold of me and erase this glimpse of truth with negative and detrimental thought patterns.  The ones that tell me I’m a victim, that I’m being forced to spend money going to Calgary and New York to sustain my relationship. The scarcity messages that tell me I’ll never have enough money if I keep going on trips and doing the things that have brought my so much gratitude.  The thought that I SHOULD be doing this that or the other thing, not whatever it is I’ve chosen to do. You get the idea. If you struggle with mental health issues, It’s likely you know this intimately. Feeling like you’re being taken hostage by your own flippant brain.

However, I did something different in this moment.  I noticed the doom brain saying “your depression is going to ruin this” and decided that, in this instant, I’d really feel the excitement and gratitude instead of letting the fear damper my moment.  I don’t know yet if the efforts will be helpful, though I imagine it’s like the Cherokee story of feeding the good wolf, that giving more power to the positive will help it thrive.* But I will tell you one thing I know for sure, by reveling in that moment, I’ve found a strength that I can connect to and write about clearly more than a week later, and that, my friend, is worth A LOT.

What do you do to take away the power of your negative thought cycles?

*An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

by admin